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re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)
A passerby watched two Kerry men in a park. One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again. "Tell me," said the passerby, "What on earth are you doing?" "Well," said the digger,"Usually there are three of us. I dig, Paddy plants the tree and Mick fills in the hole. Today Paddy is off ill, but that doesn't mean Mick and I get the day off, does it?"
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re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)
Two Irish women walking through the forest one day hear a voice coming from near a log."Help me." They lifted the log and underneath found a frog. "Help me " said the frog "I am an investment banker turned into a frog by an evil curse. I need to be kissed by a woman and I will turn back into an investment banker." One of the women grabbed the frog and stuffed it into her handbag. Aghast, her friend said, "Did you not hear the frog? He needs to to be returned to being an investment banker." "Listen", her friend said."these days a talking frog is worth a lot more than an investment banker."
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re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)
Two English counterfeiters had produced thousands of genuine-looking notes - £50, £20, £10 - and really they should have been happy with their lot. Much wants more, so they scrambled through the discarded notes that had not passed close scrutiny. Among the jumble they came upon a perfectly fine note - watermarked, Queen's head in exactly the right place. The only trouble was that the amount shown was £18. Never mind,' said Brown, the bossman. "We'll unload it when we're over in Ireland." And so they took the note with them and, whilst in Kerry, they entered a corner shop to dispense with it "Excuse me," said Brown to shopkeeper Casey. "Have you got change for an £18 note?" "Indeed, sir," said Casey. "And would you like three sixes or two nines?"
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re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)
When my wife's sister, Patty, was very young, she was allowed to have her best friend, a boy named Rory, over to spend the night. As the children grew toward adolescence, their parents knew that someday the sleepovers would have to end. One night, when Rory and his family were visiting, everyone gathered around the television to watch the Rose of Tralee pageant. When Patty asked if Rory could stay over, the parents hesitated, wondering if the time had finally come to discontinue the tradition. At that moment, the pageant host announced a contestant's measurements: 36-22-36. "Rory," his mother asked, "what are those numbers?" The boy thought for only a moment before responding, "Ninety-four?"
Rory was allowed to stay. |
re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)
Perfect lol
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re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)
4
http://i271.photobucket.com/albums/j...loversmile.gif For many years Kate Murphy had run the fruit and vegetable stall in the town market and she'd learned to have an answer for any situation. So there she stood, watching the big Texan who was poking around the stall. 'Hey, what are these?' he asked. 'Apples,' said Kate. 'Apples?' laughed the Yank. 'Why, in Texas we have apples twice that size! And what are these?' "Those are potatoes,' said Kate. 'Potatoes? Where I come from, bragged the Texan, our potatoes are twice as big at least,' Just then he picked up a cabbage, but before he could speak Kate said: 'If you're not buying Brussels sprouts, you'd best be putting that down.' |
re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)
http://www.irishcultureandcustoms.co...onmacnoise.jpg Clonmacnoise Founded in 545 AD by St Ciaran, Clonmacnoise monastery became between the 7th and 12th centuries a religious, literature and arts center for monks all over Europe. They came to study and pray in the “Island of saints and scholars” when the rest of Europe was still in the Dark Ages. Clonmacnoise was totally devastated by fire as well as successive raids but the site retains its stunning features. The view captured in this image has remained relatively unchanged for 1500 years. Clonmacnoise lay in decay until the Office of Public Works began the arduous task of turning this sacred place into one of Ireland's most famous visitors' centres. Interestingly - and we have yet to find out why - for centuries, courting couples have stood on each side of the arch whispering their words of love to each other. END Maybe we could be rebuild it,,,, and I could put a few of you guys in there when you are being naughty in the Mature Section. :jump: |
re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their village, their sons were probably involved. The boys' mother heard that the local vicar had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The vicar agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old in first that morning; with the older boy to see the vicar in the afternoon. The vicar, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide eyed. So the vicar repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the vicar raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!!!!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dived into a cupboard, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the cupboard , he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing - and they think WE did it.!"
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re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)
http://www.irishcultureandcustoms.co.../Donkey_tn.jpg Sean got home in the early hours of the morning after a night at the local pub. He made such a racket as he weaved his way through the house that he woke up the wife."By all the saints, what are you doing down there?"she shouted from the bedroom. "Get yourself up here and don't be waking the neighbours." "I'm trying to get a barrel of Guinness up the stairs," he shouted back. "Leave it 'till the morning," she shouted down. "I can't" says he, "I've drank it!" |
re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Ireland when she saw an elderly woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the woman if she would like a ride. After a bit of small talk and while resuming the journey the woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. What's in the bag?" asked the woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine, I got it for my husband." The woman was silent for a moment. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder she said: "Good trade." |
re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)
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Old Scotland. Two nearby castles are at war. One shoots a cannonball at the other. Bang. A piece of wall breaks. In a while the second castle shoots at the first one. A part of a tower becomes a pile of stones. And so on for some time. Then there is a long silence. Suddenly from one of the castles a cry is heard: "Why don't you shoot?" And the answer: "You have the cannonball." |
re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)
A Jesuit priest decided to visit a small island off the coast of Connemara. The inhabitants numbered no more than a couple of dozen, but the priest threw himself into the Lord's work with a vengeance. Having taken over the bar of the pub for Mass, and having delivered a fire and brimstone sermon, he questioned his small congregation. "How long is it since any of you had your confessions heard?" he asked. "Well, Father,' answered Brendan, the oldest inhabitant. "It must be three years since the last priest was here." "Why didn't you make a trip to the mainland?" thundered the priest. "Well, Father,' said Brendan, "the water between us and the mainland is very rough, and our boat is old and leaky. So you see. if we've only venial sins to confess, it's not worth the bother, and if we've mortal sins, it's not worth the risk!"
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re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a lad dressed in sunglasses, loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses the lad: "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The fellah replies, "I'm Johnny O'Rourke, taxi-driver, Brooklyn, New York." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Phillip Smith, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?" "Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
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re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)
An attractive young lady was on a plane arriving from Ireland. She found herself seated next to an elderly priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?" "Of course my child, What can I do for you?" "Here is the problem.I bought myself a new sophisticated vibrating hair remover for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?" "Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I cannot lie." "You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the worrisome personal gadget. The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son", he replied. Finding his reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?" The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used." Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!" |
re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)
A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world,I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he then sat down. The choir director stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, for our closing selection,let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."
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re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)
A bit of a groaner, but it made us grin...hope it does the same for you.
A party of tourists was taking in the sights on the west coast of Ireland. Having driven for a couple of hours, the coach pulled up at a monastery where the holy hospitalers had prepared tea and cakes. After the snack, the tourists were being shown around the historic building. Entering the kitchen they found a brother slicing potatoes and dropping them into a pan of boiling fat. 'Oh I see,' said a smart-alec Englishman, 'you're obviously a chipmunk?' 'No,' was the reply, 'I'm the friar.' |
re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)
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The wife had invited a houseful to Thanksgiving dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear your mother say," the father suggested. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?" |
re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)
A young man named Sean received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and even profane. Sean tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and even reading him Scripture, or anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, Sean got really fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot just yelled back. Sean shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. In desperation, Sean threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and stuck him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he might have really hurt the parrot, Sean quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude, obnoxious language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my crude and unforgivable behavior." Sean was stunned at the complete change in the bird's attitude! As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I inquire as to what the turkey did?" |
re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)
4
It was England v. Ireland at Wembley. It was at that very match when the two Clancy brothers approached the turnstile."How much is it?" asked Michael "Twenty pounds." said the ticket-seller. "Well, I've only got one eye and so I'm only paying ten!"And, wonder of wonders, the man let him in. "And I'm only paying ten pounds." said Owen."Hang on," said the ticket seller, 'you've got two eyes!" "Yes," said Owen, "but I've only come to see Ireland." |
re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)
An Irishman sees a job advert published on a building site, 'handyman wanted apply within'. So he does and speaks to the foreman. Foreman: Can you drive a forklift truck? Irishman: No Foreman: Can you plaster? Irishman: No Foreman: Can you brick lay? Irishman: No Foreman: If you don't mind me asking, what's handy about you? Irishman: I only live five minutes down the road. |
re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)
For 50 years, Paddy left the box alone, until his wife Moira was old and dying. One day, when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and 82,500 pounds in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents. "My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got angry with you." Paddy was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been vexed with him twice."What's the money for?" he asked.
"Oh, well that's what I've made selling the Doilies." |
re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)
A priest parked his car in a no-parking zone because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation." |
re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)
The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "Please give us some wisdom before you leave us. "She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, "Don't sell that cow."
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re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)
A senior citizen in Galway bought a convertible. He took off down the Bishop Connell Road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a two-bulb behind him. "I can get away from him" thought the old man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph. Then he thought, "What am doing? I'm too old to be making such a holy show of meself." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the garda to catch up with him. The garda pulled in behind the ole fella and walked up to him. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked at the garda and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Peeler and I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, Sir," said the officer.
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re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)
5
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables. She's down to her last 50 Euros. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck I've had today! What in the world should I do now?" A man standing next to her suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?" He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?" The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29 and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!" |
re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)
5
http://www.irishcultureandcustoms.co...s/HollyIvy.gif Holly and Ivy hanging up and something wet in every cup* A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a Guinness before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a Guinness. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another Guinness and slams it down next to him. He finishes that one and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a diabolical, desperate, mangled midden, and furthermore ..."The man sighs and says, "It's started ..." |
re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)
5
http://www.irishcultureandcustoms.co...s/HollyIvy.gif Holly and Ivy hanging up and something wet in every cup* The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked. The front of the chapel fills first." The young priest nodded and the old priest continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to Sunday Mass, so I supported you when you brought that rock'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony." Thank you Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased you are open to the new ideas of youth." "Well," said the elderly priest. "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-through confessional." "But Father," protested the young priest "My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!" "I know son," replied the older priest. "But that flashing neon sign, "Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell," can't stay on the chapel roof! |
re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)
5
http://www.irishcultureandcustoms.co...s/HollyIvy.gif Holly and Ivy hanging up and something wet in every cup* A young man from America went to visit his 90-year old grandfather who lived in a very secluded, rural part of Ireland. After his first night, his grandfather prepared a traditional Irish breakfast consisting of eggs, bacon and black pudding.The young man noticed a filmy substance on his plate and he asked his grandfather: "Are these plates clean?" His grandfather replied: "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on now and finish your meal." Later in the day, while eating the sandwich his grandfather had made for lunch, the young man noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and what looked like dried egg yolks. So he asked again: "Are you sure these plates are clean?" Without looking up from his sandwich, the grandfather says: "I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them - stop being so fussy -you're in Ireland now, not back in America!" That afternoon, the young man was on his way out to the pub in a nearby village. As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and would not let him pass. "Granddad," the young man called, "your dog won't let me out." Without diverting his attention from the newspaper he was reading, his grandfather shouted: "COLDWATER, get out of the way!" |
re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)
5
http://www.irishcultureandcustoms.co...s/HollyIvy.gif Holly and Ivy hanging up and something wet in every cup* An old man in Dublin calls his son in New York right before Christmas and says, "Son, I 'm sorry, but I have to tell you that after 45 years of misery, your mother and I are busting up. " "Da, what are you talking about?" the son yells in disbelief. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "No way they're leaving each other!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Dublin immediately and screams at her father, "You are not splitting up. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Well then," he says, "they're coming home for Christmas and paying their own way!" |
re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)
5
http://www.irishcultureandcustoms.co...s/HollyIvy.gif Holly and Ivy hanging up and something wet in every cup* Seamus was getting exasperated and shouted upstairs to his wife," Sheila, will you please hurry up or we'll be late." "Oh, calm yourself, Seamus" Sheila replied. "Haven't I been telling you for the last hour that I'll be ready in a minute?" |
re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)
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Holly and Ivy hanging up and something wet in every cup* Sean goes into his dentist's office, because of a pain in his mouth. After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, "Good God, man! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded! What on earth have you been eating?" "Well... the only thing I can think of is this... my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it...Hollandaise sauce she called it... and doctor, I'm talking' DELICIOUS! I've never tasted anything like it, and ever since then I've been putting it on everything...meat, fish, toast, vegetables...everything." "That's probably it," replied the dentist "Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. It seems as though I'll have to install a new plate, but made out of chrome this time." "Why chrome?" Sean asked. "Well," said the dentist, "everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise." |
re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)
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Holly and Ivy hanging up and something wet in every cup* Mrs. Casey was telling her friend Mrs. Kelly about a rather juicy rumour. "That's very interesting," said Mrs. Kelly. "Come on, tell me more about it." Mrs. Casey said, "I can't. I've already told you more than I heard! |
re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)
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Holly and Ivy hanging up and something wet in every cup* A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door; when he opens it, an obviously inebriated stranger is standing there in the pouring rain. The stranger asks for a push."Jam on your egg," says the husband, "it's three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and goes back to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife."Just some fluthered eejit asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it's three in the morning and it's lashing out there. "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Remember about three months ago when we broke down and that nice couple helped us out? I think you should help him; you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man sighs, does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark."Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here, on the swing!" *Irish slang: Jam on your egg - wishful thinking; will never happen |
re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)
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Holly and Ivy hanging up and something wet in every cup* Making Money for the Church Father Murphy was a priest in a very poor parish and asked for suggestions as to how he could raise money for the church. He was told that the horse owner always had money, so he went to the horse auction, but made a very poor buy, as the horse turned out to be a donkey. However, he thought he might as well enter the donkey in a race. The donkey came in third, and the next morning, the headlines in the paper read: FATHER MURPHY'S ASS SHOWS The Archbishop saw the paper and was greatly displeased. The next day, the donkey came in first and the headlines read: FATHER MURPHY'S ASS OUT IN FRONT The Archbishop was up in arms. Something had to be done. Father Murphy had entered the donkey again and it had come in second. The headlines read. FATHER MURPHY'S ASS BACK IN PLACE This was too much for the Archbishop, so he forbade the priest to enter the donkey in any more races. The headlines then read: ARCHBISHOP SCRATCHES FATHER MURPHY'S ASS Finally, the Archbishop ordered Father Murphy to get rid of the donkey. He was unable to sell it, so he gave it to Sister Agatha for a pet. The Archbishop ordered her to dispose of the animal at once. She sold it for ten dollars. Next day, the headlines read: SISTER AGATHA PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN DOLLARS They buried the Archbishop three days later. |
re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)
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Holly and Ivy hanging up and something wet in every cup* A group of Kerry engineers is trying to calculate the height of a flag pole. They try to measure its height by lining up their thumbs and then turning the thumb 90 degrees and marking a spot on the ground. Then they try to use its shadow and trig functions, but no luck. An engineer from Dublin comes by and watches for a few minutes. He asks one of the Kerry engineers what they're doing. "We're trying to calculate the height of this flag pole." The Dublin engineer watches a few minutes more and then, without saying a word, he walks over, pulls the pole out of the ground, lays it down, measures it, writes the measurement on a piece of paper, gives it to one of the Kerry group. The Kerry man looks at the paper, snickers and says to the others: "Isn't that just like a Dubliner? We're trying to calculate the height and he gives us the length." |
re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)
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Holly and Ivy hanging up and something wet in every cup* An elderly looking gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well-looked-after image, walks into an upscale ****tail lounge in Dublin. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?" |
re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)
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Holly and Ivy hanging up and something wet in every cup* Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute. She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat. She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake." So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom ... a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and covered it with icing. The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church. Before she left the house, Alice had given her daughter some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened, and to buy that cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold. Alice was beside herself. The next day, Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon. Before the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert. Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, "What a beautiful cake!" Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself." |
re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)
5
http://www.irishcultureandcustoms.co...s/HollyIvy.gif I was on the 7.45 a.m bus over thirty years ago, one miserable monday morning on the way to work after catching the first bus half an hour earlier which brought me in to O'Connell Bridge in Dublin through the torrents of rain to get on this one soaking wet. Well upstairs (which was in those days the smoking deck, as you might remember), I sat down next to a window and looked out the window only to see the darkness of another horrible early morning traffic jam with the cars and lorries all trying to get out of Dublin. I was training to be a watchmaker out in Blanchardstown. Anyhow with the rain pouring down and the heavy pall of cigarette smoke hanging over the packed upper level of the C.I.E bus you could hear a pin drop as everybody was thoroughly dejected at another dismal trip out to, as Americans would call it, "The Boonies".You could also see the steam rising off the occupants of the bus as the heater at full blast was now drying out some of the passengers who had been on the longest. Which made you at least realize, you were actually better off on the bus than trudging through the rain to wherever you needed to go! Well as I said it was extremely quiet and all that could be heard were the smokers exhaling into this growing fog. There were two Country fellas as we would call them in Dublin behind me and one said to the other, "Mick, were you at the match in Croke park yesterday?". Mick said just a flat "No" and the other fella whose name heard was Brendan said, "all the fellas in his work thought that people who liked hurling were proper eejits!". There was silence for the next 30 seconds or so until Mick said matter of factly, "Isn't it gas all the same Brendan, how they can get 80,000 eejits at one time in the one place." I laughed all the way out to Blanchardstown. over 45 minutes - Mind you not too loud, they were also bigger than me at the time. |
re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)
http://www.irishcultureandcustoms.co...s/HollyIvy.gif
The local priest had just hired a new housekeeper, Mary. The first morning while Father was having breakfast, Mary entered the room and exclaimed that the toaster was not working. He explained to Mary now that she was part of the household she should refer to the toaster as "our toaster". A few days later Mary mentioned to Father that the refrigerator was not working. He once again explained that she should refer to it as "our refrigerator". About a month later, the priest was entertaining the Bishop for dinner when Mary rushed into the room screaming in panic, "Father, Father, there's a mouse under our bed!" |
re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)
http://www.irishcultureandcustoms.co...s/HollyIvy.gif
Sarah and her thirteen-year-old sister had been fighting a lot this year. This happens when you combine a headstrong four-year-old, who is sure she is always right, with a young adolescent. Sarah's parents, trying to take advantage of her avid interest in what Santa might bring, reminded the four-year-old that Santa was watching and doesn't like it when children fight. This had little impact. "I'll just have to tell Santa about your misbehavior," the mother said as she picked up the phone and dialed. Sarah's eyes grew big as her mother asked "Mrs. Claus" (Sarah's aunt), if she could put Santa on the line. Sarah's mouth dropped open as Mom described to Santa (Sarah's uncle) how the four-year-old was acting. But, when Mom said that Santa wanted to talk to her, she reluctantly took the phone. Santa, in a deepened voice, explained to her how there would be no presents Christmas morning to children who fought with their sisters. He would be watching, and he expected things to be better from now on. Sarah, now even more wide eyed, solemnly nodded to each of Santa's remarks and silently hung the phone up when he was done. After a long moment, Mom (holding in her chuckles at being so clever) asked, "What did Santa say to you, sweetie?" In almost a whisper, Sarah sadly but matter-of-factly stated, "Santa said he won't be bringing toys to my sister this year." |
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