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Ladybbird · 06-09-11, 04:10

For 50 years, Paddy left the box alone, until his wife Moira was old and dying. One day, when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and 82,500 pounds in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents. "My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got angry with you." Paddy was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been vexed with him twice."What's the money for?" he asked.
"Oh, well that's what I've made selling the Doilies."

Ladybbird · 06-09-11, 04:10

A priest parked his car in a no-parking zone because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

Ladybbird · 06-09-11, 04:11

The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "Please give us some wisdom before you leave us. "She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, "Don't sell that cow."

Ladybbird · 06-09-11, 04:11

A senior citizen in Galway bought a convertible. He took off down the Bishop Connell Road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a two-bulb behind him. "I can get away from him" thought the old man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph. Then he thought, "What am doing? I'm too old to be making such a holy show of meself." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the garda to catch up with him. The garda pulled in behind the ole fella and walked up to him. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked at the garda and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Peeler and I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, Sir," said the officer.

Ladybbird · 06-09-11, 05:07

5

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables. She's down to her last 50 Euros. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck I've had today! What in the world should I do now?" A man standing next to her suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?" He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?" The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29 and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"

Ladybbird · 10-12-11, 14:37

5

Holly and Ivy hanging up and
something wet in every cup*

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a Guinness before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a Guinness. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another Guinness and slams it down next to him. He finishes that one and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a diabolical, desperate, mangled midden, and furthermore ..."The man sighs and says, "It's started ..."

Ladybbird · 10-12-11, 14:38

5

Holly and Ivy hanging up and
something wet in every cup*

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked. The front of the chapel fills first." The young priest nodded and the old priest continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to Sunday Mass, so I supported you when you brought that rock'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony." Thank you Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased you are open to the new ideas of youth." "Well," said the elderly priest. "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-through confessional." "But Father," protested the young priest "My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!" "I know son," replied the older priest. "But that flashing neon sign, "Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell," can't stay on the chapel roof!

Ladybbird · 10-12-11, 14:40

5

Holly and Ivy hanging up and
something wet in every cup*

A young man from America went to visit his 90-year old grandfather who lived in a very secluded, rural part of Ireland. After his first night, his grandfather prepared a traditional Irish breakfast consisting of eggs, bacon and black pudding.The young man noticed a filmy substance on his plate and he asked his grandfather: "Are these plates clean?" His grandfather replied: "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on now and finish your meal." Later in the day, while eating the sandwich his grandfather had made for lunch, the young man noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and what looked like dried egg yolks. So he asked again: "Are you sure these plates are clean?" Without looking up from his sandwich, the grandfather says: "I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them - stop being so fussy -you're in Ireland now, not back in America!" That afternoon, the young man was on his way out to the pub in a nearby village. As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and would not let him pass. "Granddad," the young man called, "your dog won't let me out." Without diverting his attention from the newspaper he was reading, his grandfather shouted: "COLDWATER, get out of the way!"

Ladybbird · 10-12-11, 14:41

5

Holly and Ivy hanging up and
something wet in every cup*

An old man in Dublin calls his son in New York right before Christmas and says, "Son, I 'm sorry, but I have to tell you that after 45 years of misery, your mother and I are busting up. " "Da, what are you talking about?" the son yells in disbelief. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "No way they're leaving each other!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Dublin immediately and screams at her father, "You are not splitting up. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Well then," he says, "they're coming home for Christmas and paying their own way!"

Ladybbird · 10-12-11, 14:43

5

Holly and Ivy hanging up and
something wet in every cup*

Seamus was getting exasperated and shouted upstairs to his wife," Sheila, will you please hurry up or we'll be late." "Oh, calm yourself, Seamus" Sheila replied. "Haven't I been telling you for the last hour that I'll be ready in a minute?"

Ladybbird · 10-12-11, 14:44

Holly and Ivy hanging up and
something wet in every cup*

Sean goes into his dentist's office, because of a pain in his mouth. After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, "Good God, man! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded! What on earth have you been eating?" "Well... the only thing I can think of is this... my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it...Hollandaise sauce
she called it... and doctor, I'm talking' DELICIOUS! I've never tasted anything like it, and ever since then I've been putting it on everything...meat, fish, toast, vegetables...everything." "That's probably it," replied the dentist "Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. It seems as though I'll have to install a new plate, but made out of chrome this time." "Why chrome?" Sean asked. "Well," said the dentist, "everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise."

Ladybbird · 10-12-11, 14:45

Holly and Ivy hanging up and
something wet in every cup*

Mrs. Casey was telling her friend Mrs. Kelly about a rather juicy rumour. "That's very interesting," said Mrs. Kelly. "Come on, tell me more about it." Mrs. Casey said, "I can't. I've already told you more than I heard!

Ladybbird · 10-12-11, 14:46

Holly and Ivy hanging up and
something wet in every cup*

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door; when he opens it, an obviously inebriated stranger is standing there in the pouring rain. The stranger asks for a push."Jam on your egg," says the husband, "it's three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and goes back to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife."Just some fluthered eejit asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it's three in the morning and it's lashing out there. "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Remember about three months ago when we broke down and that nice couple helped us out? I think you should help him; you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man sighs, does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark."Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here, on the swing!"
*Irish slang: Jam on your egg - wishful thinking; will never happen

Ladybbird · 10-12-11, 14:47

Holly and Ivy hanging up and
something wet in every cup*

Making Money for the Church
Father Murphy was a priest in a very poor parish and asked for suggestions as to how he could raise money for the church. He was told that the horse owner always had money, so he went to the horse auction, but made a very poor buy, as the horse turned out to be a donkey.
However, he thought he might as well enter the donkey in a race. The donkey came in third, and the next morning, the headlines in the paper read:
FATHER MURPHY'S ASS SHOWS
The Archbishop saw the paper and was greatly displeased. The next day, the donkey came in first and the headlines read:
FATHER MURPHY'S ASS OUT IN FRONT
The Archbishop was up in arms. Something had to be done. Father Murphy had entered the donkey again and it had come in second. The headlines read.
FATHER MURPHY'S ASS BACK IN PLACE
This was too much for the Archbishop, so he forbade the priest to enter the donkey in any more races. The headlines then read:
ARCHBISHOP SCRATCHES FATHER MURPHY'S ASS
Finally, the Archbishop ordered Father Murphy to get rid of the donkey. He was unable to sell it, so he gave it to Sister Agatha for a pet. The Archbishop ordered her to dispose of the animal at once. She sold it for ten dollars. Next day, the headlines read:
SISTER AGATHA PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN DOLLARS
They buried the Archbishop three days later.

Ladybbird · 10-12-11, 14:48

Holly and Ivy hanging up and
something wet in every cup*

A group of Kerry engineers is trying to calculate the height of a flag pole. They try to measure its height by lining up their thumbs and then turning the thumb 90 degrees and marking a spot on the ground. Then they try to use its shadow and trig functions, but no luck. An engineer from Dublin comes by and watches for a few minutes. He asks one of the Kerry engineers what they're doing. "We're trying to calculate the height of this flag pole." The Dublin engineer watches a few minutes more and then, without saying a word, he walks over, pulls the pole out of the ground, lays it down, measures it, writes the measurement on a piece of paper, gives it to one of the Kerry group. The Kerry man looks at the paper, snickers and says to the others: "Isn't that just like a Dubliner? We're trying to calculate the height and he gives us the length."

Ladybbird · 10-12-11, 14:49

Holly and Ivy hanging up and
something wet in every cup*

An elderly looking gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well-looked-after image, walks into an upscale ****tail lounge in Dublin. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

Ladybbird · 10-12-11, 14:50

Holly and Ivy hanging up and
something wet in every cup*

Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute. She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat. She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake." So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom ... a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and covered it with icing. The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church. Before she left the house, Alice had given her daughter some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened, and to buy that cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold. Alice was beside herself. The next day, Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon. Before the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert. Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, "What a beautiful cake!" Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself."

Ladybbird · 29-12-11, 01:13

5

I was on the 7.45 a.m bus over thirty years ago, one miserable monday morning on the way to work after catching the first bus half an hour earlier which brought me in to O'Connell Bridge in Dublin through the torrents of rain to get on this one soaking wet. Well upstairs (which was in those days the smoking deck, as you might remember), I sat down next to a window and looked out the window only to see the darkness of another horrible early morning traffic jam with the cars and lorries all trying to get out of Dublin. I was training to be a watchmaker out in Blanchardstown. Anyhow with the rain pouring down and the heavy pall of cigarette smoke hanging over the packed upper level of the C.I.E bus you could hear a pin drop as everybody was thoroughly dejected at another dismal trip out to, as Americans would call it, "The Boonies".You could also see the steam rising off the occupants of the bus as the heater at full blast was now drying out some of the passengers who had been on the longest. Which made you at least realize, you were actually better off on the bus than trudging through the rain to wherever you needed to go! Well as I said it was extremely quiet and all that could be heard were the smokers exhaling into this growing fog. There were two Country fellas as we would call them in Dublin behind me and one said to the other, "Mick, were you at the match in Croke park yesterday?". Mick said just a flat "No" and the other fella whose name heard was Brendan said, "all the fellas in his work thought that people who liked hurling were proper eejits!". There was silence for the next 30 seconds or so until Mick said matter of factly, "Isn't it gas all the same Brendan, how they can get 80,000 eejits at one time in the one place." I laughed all the way out to Blanchardstown. over 45 minutes - Mind you not too loud, they were also bigger than me at the time.

Ladybbird · 29-12-11, 01:15

The local priest had just hired a new housekeeper, Mary. The first morning while Father was having breakfast, Mary entered the room and exclaimed that the toaster was not working. He explained to Mary now that she was part of the household she should refer to the toaster as "our toaster". A few days later Mary mentioned to Father that the refrigerator was not working. He once again explained that she should refer to it as "our refrigerator". About a month later, the priest was entertaining the Bishop for dinner when Mary rushed into the room screaming in panic, "Father, Father, there's a mouse under our bed!"

Ladybbird · 29-12-11, 01:16

Sarah and her thirteen-year-old sister had been fighting a lot this year. This happens when you combine a headstrong four-year-old, who is sure she is always right, with a young adolescent. Sarah's parents, trying to take advantage of her avid interest in what Santa might bring, reminded the four-year-old that Santa was watching and doesn't like it when children fight. This had little impact.
"I'll just have to tell Santa about your misbehavior," the mother said as she picked up the phone and dialed. Sarah's eyes grew big as her mother asked "Mrs. Claus" (Sarah's aunt), if she could put Santa on the line. Sarah's mouth dropped open as Mom described to Santa (Sarah's uncle) how the four-year-old was acting. But, when Mom said that Santa wanted to talk to her, she reluctantly took the phone.
Santa, in a deepened voice, explained to her how there would be no presents Christmas morning to children who fought with their sisters. He would be watching, and he expected things to be better from now on. Sarah, now even more wide eyed, solemnly nodded to each of Santa's remarks and silently hung the phone up when he was done. After a long moment, Mom (holding in her chuckles at being so clever) asked, "What did Santa say to you, sweetie?" In almost a whisper, Sarah sadly but matter-of-factly stated, "Santa said he won't be bringing toys to my sister this year."

Ladybbird · 29-12-11, 01:17

Father O'Malley was going through the post one day. Drawing a single sheet of paper from an envelope, he found written on it just one word: "FOOL." The next Sunday at Mass, he announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names. But this week I received a letter from someone who signed their name and forgot to write a letter."

Ladybbird · 29-12-11, 01:19

It was opening night at the theatre and The Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famous hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists, who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience. "The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off it's polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces! "S***"! yelled Claude. It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.

Ladybbird · 29-12-11, 01:34

At 85 years of age, Patrick marries Kate, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is getting on in years, Kate decides that after their wedding she and Patrick should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that he might overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Kate prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Patrick, her 85 year old groom, ready to make love. They unite as one. All goes well, Patrick takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Kate hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Patrick. Again he is ready for more love-making. Somewhat surprised, Kate consents. When the newlyweds are done, Patrick kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Patrick is back, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old. Once more. they enjoy each other. But as Patrick gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at 85 you can perform so well and so often. I have heard that most men a third of your age are only any good just once. You are truly a great lover, Patrick." Patrick, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Kate and says: "You mean I was here already?"

Ladybbird · 29-12-11, 01:35

Father Guffy roared from the pulpit to his | parishioners: "The drink has killed millions - it rots their stomachs and they die in agony. Smoking has killed millions - it coats your lungs and you die in agony. Overeating and consorting with loose women have also killed millions..."
" 'Scuse me, Father," hollered Reagan from the back, "but what is it that kills the people who live right?

Ladybbird · 29-12-11, 01:36

Sean met a woman at a luxurious resort and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night the two of hem went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship. Sean began by saying to his new lady friend that while she meant a lot to him, "It's only fair to warn you that when I'm at home I am completely consumed by golf. I eat, sleep and breath golf. so if that's a problem,you'd better say so right now." "Well, since we're being honest with each other, here goes," she replied."I'm a hooker." "I see," replied Sean, and was quiet for a moment. Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."

Ladybbird · 29-12-11, 01:38

Father O'Malley arose one fine spring morning, walked to the window of his bedroom to take in the beauty of the day and noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the gardai. The conversation went like this: Dia Dhuit, this is Sgt. O' Flaherty and how might we be of help to you?" Good day to yourself, Sergeant. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead on our front lawn. Would you be a good man now and send a couple of the lads to to take care of the matter?" Sgt. Flaherty considered himself to be quite a wit and the rest of the conversation proceeded: "Well now, Father, it was always my impression that you took care of the last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a moment and then Father O'Malley replied: "Indeed, indeed, Sergeant O'Flaherty, but we're also obliged to notify the next of kin!"

Ladybbird · 29-12-11, 01:41

Irish Jokes: 6

Sean and his wife, Aoife, had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks. He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. "Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up so surprise me!" Sean did just that. For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale. Nobody has seen or heard from him since.

Ladybbird · 05-01-12, 02:08

A farmer finally decided to buy a TV. The store assured him that they would install the antenna and TV the next day.The next evening the farmer turned on his new TV and found only political adverts on every channel. The next morning he turned the TV on and found only political dverts again. When he came in to eat dinner he tried the TV again but still only found political adverts. The next day when he still found only political adverts he called the store to complain. The owner said that it was impossible for every channel to only have political adverts, but agreed to send their repairman to check the TV. When the TV repairman turned on the TV he found that the farmer was right. After looking at the TV for a while he went outside to check the antenna. In a few minutes he returned and told the farmer he had found the problem. The antenna had been installed on top of the windmill and grounded to the manure spreader.

Ladybbird · 05-01-12, 02:11

A European tourist is lost and stops in an Irish village to ask for directions. He sees two old men sitting outside the pub enjoying their Guinness. “Parlez-vous Francais, he asks. The old men look at each other and shake their heads. “Sprechen sie Deutsch?” Again, the old men shake their heads. Beginning to get a bit irritated, the tourist asks “Habla Espanol?” The men once again shake their heads. Totally exasperated by now, the tourist asks “Parla l'italiano?” The men once again look at each other and then shake their heads in puzzlement. The tourist is so disgusted that he drives off. One old man sais to the other, “You know, Sean, perhaps we should learn another language.” “Ah get on with yeh; look at him, he knows four and it didn’t do him a bit of good.”

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Sean was excited about the task. But, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Sean was so nervous that when it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my shepherd and that's all I need to know."

Ladybbird · 05-01-12, 02:12

Brendan was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up the drink." Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Brendan looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one.”

Ladybbird · 05-01-12, 02:12

Father Murphy was playing golf with a parishioner. On the first hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter "Hoover!" under his breath. On the second hole, the ball went straight into a water hazard. "Hoover!" again, a little louder this time. On the third hole, a miracle occurred and Fr. Murphy's drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole! "Praise be to God!" He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in. "HOOVER!" By this time, his opponent couldn't withhold his curiosity any longer, and asked why the priest said 'Hoover'. "It's the biggest dam I know," said the priest.

Ladybbird · 05-01-12, 02:13

A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders the "Chicken Surprise." The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast-iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Sputtering in a fit of pique, he calls the waiter over, describes what is happening, and demands an explanation! "Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order? The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
"Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck."

Ladybbird · 05-01-12, 02:13

Paddy and Mick had emigrated from Ireland and worked together in an Ontario clothing factory. Both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'panty stitcher'. I sews the lastic onta ladies' cotton knickers. The clerk looked up 'panty stitcher' on his computer and finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave Paddy $80 dollars a week unemployment pay. Mick was next in and when asked his occupation, he replied, 'diesel fitter'. Since 'diesel fitter' was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160 dollars a week. When Paddy found out, he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained, 'panty stitchers' are unskilled and 'diesel fitters' are skilled labour. "What skill?" yelled Paddy?! "I sews da lastic onta da knickers. Mick puts dem over his head and says: 'Right ye are so, dese 'ull fit her.'"

Ladybbird · 05-01-12, 02:14

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."The second said," I sent her a BMW with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you, both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible, and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in an Irish monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000.00 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: " "Seamus,” she wrote the first son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Sean," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the BMW. And the driver is so rude!" "Dearest Donal," she wrote to her third son, "You were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was delicious."

Ladybbird · 05-01-12, 02:15

A guy sitting at a bar in an international airport noticed a very beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for? Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?" She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, "Oh darn, she doesn't work for Delta". A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?" She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list. Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk." This time the woman turned on him "What in God's name do you want?" The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said, "Ahhhhh, Aer Lingus!"

Ladybbird · 05-01-12, 02:16

The Kerry Furniture dealer Goes To France
A furniture dealer from Kerry decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris, France to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip ever to the French capitol), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Kerry. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the one other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for awhile, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up. Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, he has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

Ladybbird · 05-01-12, 02:16

Two Kerry factory workers were talking. "I think I'll take some time off from work." said the man. "How do you think you'll do that?" asked the blonde.He proceeded to climb up to the rafters and hung from them upside down. His supervisor walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing. "I'm a light bulb," answered the man. "I think you need some time off," said the supervisor. So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory. The blonde began walking out too. "Where do you think you're going?" demanded the supervisor. The blonde answered, "Home, sir. I can't work in the dark."

Ladybbird · 05-01-12, 02:17

The Doctor was puzzled "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your
trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink."
"Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober."

Ladybbird · 05-01-12, 02:19

The American had been fishing for two weeks at Ballinahinch without getting a bite. On the last day of his vacation he caught a small salmon.
"Turlough," he said to his gillie as the fish was gaffed, "that salmon cost me five hundred dollars." "Well now sir," comforted Turlough, "aren't you the lucky man you didn't catch two."

Ladybbird · 05-01-12, 02:19

Sean says to Dr. Flynn, "Doctor, doctor, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."Hmm", says Dr. Flynn- "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common? asks Sean.
"It's not unusual."

Ladybbird · 05-01-12, 02:20

A Kerryman gets on a bus and asks the driver how long the trip is
between Limerick to Cork. "About 2 hours," says the driver. "Okay,"
says the Kerryman "then how long is the trip between Cork to Limerick?" The irate driver says "It's still about 2 hours, boyo. Why'd ye think there'd be a difference?" "Well," says the Kerryman, "It's only a
week between Christmas and New Year's, but it's a helluva long time
between New Year's to Christmas!"

Ladybbird · 05-01-12, 02:22

Brothers Mike and Seamus O'Malley were the two richest men in town, and they were also the meanest. They swindled the Church out of its property, foreclosed on the orphanage and cheated widows out of their last mite. And that was just for starters. Finally Seamus up and dies, and Mike pays a visit to the priest. "Father," he says, "my good name will be upheld in this town. You'll be givin' the eulogy for me brother, and in that eulogy you are going to say "Seamus O'Malley was truly a saint."
"I won't do such a thing. T'would be a lie!" "I know you will," says Mike. "I hold the mortgage on the parish school, and if you don't say those words, I'll foreclose." The priest is over a barrel. "And if I pledge to say those words, then you'll sign the note over free and clear?" "Done," cackles Mike, and he signs over the note. Next morning at the funeral, the priest begins the eulogy: "Seamus O'Malley was a mean-spirited, spiteful, penurious, lying, cheating, arrogant and hateful excuse for a human being. But compared to his brother, Mike, Seamus O'Malley was truly a saint."

Ladybbird · 05-01-12, 02:23

A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a
sign that said, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's
too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car. "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?"

Ladybbird · 05-01-12, 02:24

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Convent of Silence. The Mother Superior said, "Sister, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so". Sister Mary Katherine lived in the convent for 5 years before the Mother Superior said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been
here for 5 years. You may speak two words."
Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that. We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Mother Superior. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."
"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Mother Superior assured her that
the food would be better in the future. On her 15th anniversary in the community, the Mother Superior again called Sister Mary Katherine into her office. "You may say two words today." "I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine. "It's probably best", said the Mother Superior. "You've done nothing but gripe since you got here."

Ladybbird · 05-01-12, 02:25

The teacher was explaining the different sizes of whales to her seven year olds, when little Sean raised his hand. "Yes, Sean?" "Teacher! Jonah was swallowed by a whale." "I don't think so Sean, a whale doesn't have a mouth big enough to swallow a man.""Yes, they do, my bible says so. Jonah was swallowed by a whale." "Sorry Sean I just cannot believe that."
"Well, when I go to heaven, I'll ask Jonah." The teacher replied with a smug grin. "What if Jonah isn't in heaven Sean?" Sean hesitated for a moment then answered. "Then you can ask him."

Ladybbird · 05-01-12, 02:26

A young girl came to the late Father Healy of Cork, and sadly made her confession: "Father, I fear I've committed the sin of vanity," she announced. "What makes you think that?" asked her father-confessor. "Because every morning, when I look in the mirror, I cannot help but think how beautiful I am." "Never fear, colleen," was the reassuring reply. "That isn't a sin; it's only a mistake."

Ladybbird · 05-01-12, 02:26

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. One man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker. To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-square,do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that that was quite clever. The accountant said that his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone agreed that that was good. The chemist said that his dog could do better still. He called to his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff."Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out quart of milk, got a ten-ounce glass from the cupboard,and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that that was very impressive.Then the three men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?" The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, claimed he had injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers' compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave. They all agreed that that was brilliant!

Ladybbird · 05-01-12, 02:27

After the Britain Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

Ladybbird · 05-01-12, 02:28

The American tourist passed by a farm and saw a beautiful horse. Hoping to buy the animal, he said to the farmer: "I think your horse looks pretty good, so I'll give you 500 punts for him." "He doesn't look so good, and he's not for sale," the farmer said. The tourist insisted, "I think he looks just fine and I'll up the price to 1,000 punts. "He doesn't look so good," the farmer said, "but if you want him that much, he's yours." The next day the tourist came back in a rage. He went up to the farmer and screamed, "You sold me a blind horse. You cheated me!" The farmer calmly replied, "Now how could that be. I told you he didn't look so good, didn't I?"

Ladybbird · 05-01-12, 02:30

End6

Mr. Smith was travelling through Europe. When he visited the Pope, he noticed a red phone on a small table in the corner of the office. After several minutes of conversation, Smith asked the Pope what the red phone was for. The Holy Father told him that it was a very special phone with a direct line to God. However, the Pope told Smith that he rarely used it because it cost $20,000 a minute from the Vatican. Without another thought, Smith accepted this explanation. Later, when Smith visited Ireland, he saw another red phone in the Archbishop's office. Being curious, Smith asked the Archbishop what it was for. The Archbishop told Smith it was a direct line to God, and he used it whenever he had a puzzling question or concern. Smith asked if the calls were quite expensive since the Pope had to pay $20,000 a minute when he used his red phone in the Vatican. "Oh no," replied the Archbishop, "In Ireland it's a local call."

06-09-11, 04:10	#101
Ladybbird Join Date: Feb 2011 Posts: 47,623 Thanks: 27,641 Thanked 14,458 Times in 10,262 Posts Awards Showcase Total Awards: 8	re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae) For 50 years, Paddy left the box alone, until his wife Moira was old and dying. One day, when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and 82,500 pounds in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents. "My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got angry with you." Paddy was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been vexed with him twice."What's the money for?" he asked. "Oh, well that's what I've made selling the Doilies." __________________ PUTIN TRUMP & Netanyahu Will Meet in HELL ..................*SHARKS are Closing in on TRUMP*.......................... *TRUMP WARNS; 'There'll Be a Bloodbath* If I Don't Get Elected'..MAGA - MyAssGotArrested...IT's COMING** PLEASE HELP THIS SITE..Click DONATE & Thanks to ALL Members of ... 1.. THIS SITE IS MORE THAN JUST WAREZ...& TO STOP SPAM-IF YOU WANT TO POST, YOUR FIRST POST MUST BE IN WELCOMES

06-09-11, 04:10	#102
Ladybbird Join Date: Feb 2011 Posts: 47,623 Thanks: 27,641 Thanked 14,458 Times in 10,262 Posts Awards Showcase Total Awards: 8	re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae) A priest parked his car in a no-parking zone because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses." When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation." __________________ PUTIN TRUMP & Netanyahu Will Meet in HELL ..................*SHARKS are Closing in on TRUMP*.......................... *TRUMP WARNS; 'There'll Be a Bloodbath* If I Don't Get Elected'..MAGA - MyAssGotArrested...IT's COMING** PLEASE HELP THIS SITE..Click DONATE & Thanks to ALL Members of ... 1.. THIS SITE IS MORE THAN JUST WAREZ...& TO STOP SPAM-IF YOU WANT TO POST, YOUR FIRST POST MUST BE IN WELCOMES

06-09-11, 04:11	#103
Ladybbird Join Date: Feb 2011 Posts: 47,623 Thanks: 27,641 Thanked 14,458 Times in 10,262 Posts Awards Showcase Total Awards: 8	re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae) The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "Please give us some wisdom before you leave us. "She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, "Don't sell that cow." __________________ PUTIN TRUMP & Netanyahu Will Meet in HELL ..................*SHARKS are Closing in on TRUMP*.......................... *TRUMP WARNS; 'There'll Be a Bloodbath* If I Don't Get Elected'..MAGA - MyAssGotArrested...IT's COMING** PLEASE HELP THIS SITE..Click DONATE & Thanks to ALL Members of ... 1.. THIS SITE IS MORE THAN JUST WAREZ...& TO STOP SPAM-IF YOU WANT TO POST, YOUR FIRST POST MUST BE IN WELCOMES

06-09-11, 04:11	#104
Ladybbird Join Date: Feb 2011 Posts: 47,623 Thanks: 27,641 Thanked 14,458 Times in 10,262 Posts Awards Showcase Total Awards: 8	re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae) A senior citizen in Galway bought a convertible. He took off down the Bishop Connell Road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a two-bulb behind him. "I can get away from him" thought the old man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph. Then he thought, "What am doing? I'm too old to be making such a holy show of meself." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the garda to catch up with him. The garda pulled in behind the ole fella and walked up to him. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked at the garda and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Peeler and I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, Sir," said the officer. __________________ PUTIN TRUMP & Netanyahu Will Meet in HELL ..................*SHARKS are Closing in on TRUMP*.......................... *TRUMP WARNS; 'There'll Be a Bloodbath* If I Don't Get Elected'..MAGA - MyAssGotArrested...IT's COMING** PLEASE HELP THIS SITE..Click DONATE & Thanks to ALL Members of ... 1.. THIS SITE IS MORE THAN JUST WAREZ...& TO STOP SPAM-IF YOU WANT TO POST, YOUR FIRST POST MUST BE IN WELCOMES

06-09-11, 05:07	#105
Ladybbird Join Date: Feb 2011 Posts: 47,623 Thanks: 27,641 Thanked 14,458 Times in 10,262 Posts Awards Showcase Total Awards: 8	re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae) 5 A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables. She's down to her last 50 Euros. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck I've had today! What in the world should I do now?" A man standing next to her suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?" He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?" The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29 and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!" __________________ PUTIN TRUMP & Netanyahu Will Meet in HELL ..................*SHARKS are Closing in on TRUMP*.......................... *TRUMP WARNS; 'There'll Be a Bloodbath* If I Don't Get Elected'..MAGA - MyAssGotArrested...IT's COMING** PLEASE HELP THIS SITE..Click DONATE & Thanks to ALL Members of ... 1.. THIS SITE IS MORE THAN JUST WAREZ...& TO STOP SPAM-IF YOU WANT TO POST, YOUR FIRST POST MUST BE IN WELCOMES

10-12-11, 14:37	#106
Ladybbird Join Date: Feb 2011 Posts: 47,623 Thanks: 27,641 Thanked 14,458 Times in 10,262 Posts Awards Showcase Total Awards: 8	re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae) 5 Holly and Ivy hanging up and something wet in every cup* A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a Guinness before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a Guinness. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another Guinness and slams it down next to him. He finishes that one and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a diabolical, desperate, mangled midden, and furthermore ..."The man sighs and says, "It's started ..." __________________ PUTIN TRUMP & Netanyahu Will Meet in HELL ..................*SHARKS are Closing in on TRUMP*.......................... *TRUMP WARNS; 'There'll Be a Bloodbath* If I Don't Get Elected'..MAGA - MyAssGotArrested...IT's COMING** PLEASE HELP THIS SITE..Click DONATE & Thanks to ALL Members of ... 1.. THIS SITE IS MORE THAN JUST WAREZ...& TO STOP SPAM-IF YOU WANT TO POST, YOUR FIRST POST MUST BE IN WELCOMES

10-12-11, 14:38	#107
Ladybbird Join Date: Feb 2011 Posts: 47,623 Thanks: 27,641 Thanked 14,458 Times in 10,262 Posts Awards Showcase Total Awards: 8	re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae) 5 Holly and Ivy hanging up and something wet in every cup* The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked. The front of the chapel fills first." The young priest nodded and the old priest continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to Sunday Mass, so I supported you when you brought that rock'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony." Thank you Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased you are open to the new ideas of youth." "Well," said the elderly priest. "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-through confessional." "But Father," protested the young priest "My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!" "I know son," replied the older priest. "But that flashing neon sign, "Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell," can't stay on the chapel roof! __________________ PUTIN TRUMP & Netanyahu Will Meet in HELL ..................*SHARKS are Closing in on TRUMP*.......................... *TRUMP WARNS; 'There'll Be a Bloodbath* If I Don't Get Elected'..MAGA - MyAssGotArrested...IT's COMING** PLEASE HELP THIS SITE..Click DONATE & Thanks to ALL Members of ... 1.. THIS SITE IS MORE THAN JUST WAREZ...& TO STOP SPAM-IF YOU WANT TO POST, YOUR FIRST POST MUST BE IN WELCOMES

10-12-11, 14:40	#108
Ladybbird Join Date: Feb 2011 Posts: 47,623 Thanks: 27,641 Thanked 14,458 Times in 10,262 Posts Awards Showcase Total Awards: 8	re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae) 5 Holly and Ivy hanging up and something wet in every cup* A young man from America went to visit his 90-year old grandfather who lived in a very secluded, rural part of Ireland. After his first night, his grandfather prepared a traditional Irish breakfast consisting of eggs, bacon and black pudding.The young man noticed a filmy substance on his plate and he asked his grandfather: "Are these plates clean?" His grandfather replied: "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on now and finish your meal." Later in the day, while eating the sandwich his grandfather had made for lunch, the young man noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and what looked like dried egg yolks. So he asked again: "Are you sure these plates are clean?" Without looking up from his sandwich, the grandfather says: "I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them - stop being so fussy -you're in Ireland now, not back in America!" That afternoon, the young man was on his way out to the pub in a nearby village. As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and would not let him pass. "Granddad," the young man called, "your dog won't let me out." Without diverting his attention from the newspaper he was reading, his grandfather shouted: "COLDWATER, get out of the way!" __________________ PUTIN TRUMP & Netanyahu Will Meet in HELL ..................*SHARKS are Closing in on TRUMP*.......................... *TRUMP WARNS; 'There'll Be a Bloodbath* If I Don't Get Elected'..MAGA - MyAssGotArrested...IT's COMING** PLEASE HELP THIS SITE..Click DONATE & Thanks to ALL Members of ... 1.. THIS SITE IS MORE THAN JUST WAREZ...& TO STOP SPAM-IF YOU WANT TO POST, YOUR FIRST POST MUST BE IN WELCOMES

10-12-11, 14:41	#109
Ladybbird Join Date: Feb 2011 Posts: 47,623 Thanks: 27,641 Thanked 14,458 Times in 10,262 Posts Awards Showcase Total Awards: 8	re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae) 5 Holly and Ivy hanging up and something wet in every cup* An old man in Dublin calls his son in New York right before Christmas and says, "Son, I 'm sorry, but I have to tell you that after 45 years of misery, your mother and I are busting up. " "Da, what are you talking about?" the son yells in disbelief. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "No way they're leaving each other!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Dublin immediately and screams at her father, "You are not splitting up. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Well then," he says, "they're coming home for Christmas and paying their own way!" __________________ PUTIN TRUMP & Netanyahu Will Meet in HELL ..................*SHARKS are Closing in on TRUMP*.......................... *TRUMP WARNS; 'There'll Be a Bloodbath* If I Don't Get Elected'..MAGA - MyAssGotArrested...IT's COMING** PLEASE HELP THIS SITE..Click DONATE & Thanks to ALL Members of ... 1.. THIS SITE IS MORE THAN JUST WAREZ...& TO STOP SPAM-IF YOU WANT TO POST, YOUR FIRST POST MUST BE IN WELCOMES

10-12-11, 14:43	#110
Ladybbird Join Date: Feb 2011 Posts: 47,623 Thanks: 27,641 Thanked 14,458 Times in 10,262 Posts Awards Showcase Total Awards: 8	re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae) 5 Holly and Ivy hanging up and something wet in every cup* Seamus was getting exasperated and shouted upstairs to his wife," Sheila, will you please hurry up or we'll be late." "Oh, calm yourself, Seamus" Sheila replied. "Haven't I been telling you for the last hour that I'll be ready in a minute?" __________________ PUTIN TRUMP & Netanyahu Will Meet in HELL ..................*SHARKS are Closing in on TRUMP*.......................... *TRUMP WARNS; 'There'll Be a Bloodbath* If I Don't Get Elected'..MAGA - MyAssGotArrested...IT's COMING** PLEASE HELP THIS SITE..Click DONATE & Thanks to ALL Members of ... 1.. THIS SITE IS MORE THAN JUST WAREZ...& TO STOP SPAM-IF YOU WANT TO POST, YOUR FIRST POST MUST BE IN WELCOMES

10-12-11, 14:44	#111
Ladybbird Join Date: Feb 2011 Posts: 47,623 Thanks: 27,641 Thanked 14,458 Times in 10,262 Posts Awards Showcase Total Awards: 8	re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae) Holly and Ivy hanging up and something wet in every cup* Sean goes into his dentist's office, because of a pain in his mouth. After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, "Good God, man! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded! What on earth have you been eating?" "Well... the only thing I can think of is this... my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it...Hollandaise sauce she called it... and doctor, I'm talking' DELICIOUS! I've never tasted anything like it, and ever since then I've been putting it on everything...meat, fish, toast, vegetables...everything." "That's probably it," replied the dentist "Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. It seems as though I'll have to install a new plate, but made out of chrome this time." "Why chrome?" Sean asked. "Well," said the dentist, "everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise." __________________ PUTIN TRUMP & Netanyahu Will Meet in HELL ..................*SHARKS are Closing in on TRUMP*.......................... *TRUMP WARNS; 'There'll Be a Bloodbath* If I Don't Get Elected'..MAGA - MyAssGotArrested...IT's COMING** PLEASE HELP THIS SITE..Click DONATE & Thanks to ALL Members of ... 1.. THIS SITE IS MORE THAN JUST WAREZ...& TO STOP SPAM-IF YOU WANT TO POST, YOUR FIRST POST MUST BE IN WELCOMES

10-12-11, 14:45	#112
Ladybbird Join Date: Feb 2011 Posts: 47,623 Thanks: 27,641 Thanked 14,458 Times in 10,262 Posts Awards Showcase Total Awards: 8	re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae) Holly and Ivy hanging up and something wet in every cup* Mrs. Casey was telling her friend Mrs. Kelly about a rather juicy rumour. "That's very interesting," said Mrs. Kelly. "Come on, tell me more about it." Mrs. Casey said, "I can't. I've already told you more than I heard! __________________ PUTIN TRUMP & Netanyahu Will Meet in HELL ..................*SHARKS are Closing in on TRUMP*.......................... *TRUMP WARNS; 'There'll Be a Bloodbath* If I Don't Get Elected'..MAGA - MyAssGotArrested...IT's COMING** PLEASE HELP THIS SITE..Click DONATE & Thanks to ALL Members of ... 1.. THIS SITE IS MORE THAN JUST WAREZ...& TO STOP SPAM-IF YOU WANT TO POST, YOUR FIRST POST MUST BE IN WELCOMES

10-12-11, 14:46	#113
Ladybbird Join Date: Feb 2011 Posts: 47,623 Thanks: 27,641 Thanked 14,458 Times in 10,262 Posts Awards Showcase Total Awards: 8	re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae) Holly and Ivy hanging up and something wet in every cup* A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door; when he opens it, an obviously inebriated stranger is standing there in the pouring rain. The stranger asks for a push."Jam on your egg," says the husband, "it's three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and goes back to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife."Just some fluthered eejit asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it's three in the morning and it's lashing out there. "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Remember about three months ago when we broke down and that nice couple helped us out? I think you should help him; you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man sighs, does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark."Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here, on the swing!" Irish slang: Jam on your egg - wishful thinking; will never happen __________________ PUTIN TRUMP & Netanyahu Will Meet in HELL* ..................*SHARKS are Closing in on TRUMP*.......................... *TRUMP WARNS; 'There'll Be a Bloodbath* If I Don't Get Elected'..MAGA - MyAssGotArrested...IT's COMING** PLEASE HELP THIS SITE..Click DONATE & Thanks to ALL Members of ... 1.. THIS SITE IS MORE THAN JUST WAREZ...& TO STOP SPAM-IF YOU WANT TO POST, YOUR FIRST POST MUST BE IN WELCOMES

10-12-11, 14:47	#114
Ladybbird Join Date: Feb 2011 Posts: 47,623 Thanks: 27,641 Thanked 14,458 Times in 10,262 Posts Awards Showcase Total Awards: 8	re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae) Holly and Ivy hanging up and something wet in every cup* Making Money for the Church Father Murphy was a priest in a very poor parish and asked for suggestions as to how he could raise money for the church. He was told that the horse owner always had money, so he went to the horse auction, but made a very poor buy, as the horse turned out to be a donkey. However, he thought he might as well enter the donkey in a race. The donkey came in third, and the next morning, the headlines in the paper read: FATHER MURPHY'S ASS SHOWS The Archbishop saw the paper and was greatly displeased. The next day, the donkey came in first and the headlines read: FATHER MURPHY'S ASS OUT IN FRONT The Archbishop was up in arms. Something had to be done. Father Murphy had entered the donkey again and it had come in second. The headlines read. FATHER MURPHY'S ASS BACK IN PLACE This was too much for the Archbishop, so he forbade the priest to enter the donkey in any more races. The headlines then read: ARCHBISHOP SCRATCHES FATHER MURPHY'S ASS Finally, the Archbishop ordered Father Murphy to get rid of the donkey. He was unable to sell it, so he gave it to Sister Agatha for a pet. The Archbishop ordered her to dispose of the animal at once. She sold it for ten dollars. Next day, the headlines read: SISTER AGATHA PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN DOLLARS They buried the Archbishop three days later. __________________ PUTIN TRUMP & Netanyahu Will Meet in HELL ..................*SHARKS are Closing in on TRUMP*.......................... *TRUMP WARNS; 'There'll Be a Bloodbath* If I Don't Get Elected'..MAGA - MyAssGotArrested...IT's COMING** PLEASE HELP THIS SITE..Click DONATE & Thanks to ALL Members of ... 1.. THIS SITE IS MORE THAN JUST WAREZ...& TO STOP SPAM-IF YOU WANT TO POST, YOUR FIRST POST MUST BE IN WELCOMES

10-12-11, 14:48	#115
Ladybbird Join Date: Feb 2011 Posts: 47,623 Thanks: 27,641 Thanked 14,458 Times in 10,262 Posts Awards Showcase Total Awards: 8	re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae) Holly and Ivy hanging up and something wet in every cup* A group of Kerry engineers is trying to calculate the height of a flag pole. They try to measure its height by lining up their thumbs and then turning the thumb 90 degrees and marking a spot on the ground. Then they try to use its shadow and trig functions, but no luck. An engineer from Dublin comes by and watches for a few minutes. He asks one of the Kerry engineers what they're doing. "We're trying to calculate the height of this flag pole." The Dublin engineer watches a few minutes more and then, without saying a word, he walks over, pulls the pole out of the ground, lays it down, measures it, writes the measurement on a piece of paper, gives it to one of the Kerry group. The Kerry man looks at the paper, snickers and says to the others: "Isn't that just like a Dubliner? We're trying to calculate the height and he gives us the length." __________________ PUTIN TRUMP & Netanyahu Will Meet in HELL ..................*SHARKS are Closing in on TRUMP*.......................... *TRUMP WARNS; 'There'll Be a Bloodbath* If I Don't Get Elected'..MAGA - MyAssGotArrested...IT's COMING** PLEASE HELP THIS SITE..Click DONATE & Thanks to ALL Members of ... 1.. THIS SITE IS MORE THAN JUST WAREZ...& TO STOP SPAM-IF YOU WANT TO POST, YOUR FIRST POST MUST BE IN WELCOMES

10-12-11, 14:49	#116
Ladybbird Join Date: Feb 2011 Posts: 47,623 Thanks: 27,641 Thanked 14,458 Times in 10,262 Posts Awards Showcase Total Awards: 8	re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae) Holly and Ivy hanging up and something wet in every cup* An elderly looking gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well-looked-after image, walks into an upscale **tail lounge in Dublin. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?" __________________ PUTIN TRUMP & Netanyahu Will Meet in HELL** ..................*SHARKS are Closing in on TRUMP*.......................... *TRUMP WARNS; 'There'll Be a Bloodbath* If I Don't Get Elected'..MAGA - MyAssGotArrested...IT's COMING** PLEASE HELP THIS SITE..Click DONATE & Thanks to ALL Members of ... 1.. THIS SITE IS MORE THAN JUST WAREZ...& TO STOP SPAM-IF YOU WANT TO POST, YOUR FIRST POST MUST BE IN WELCOMES

10-12-11, 14:50	#117
Ladybbird Join Date: Feb 2011 Posts: 47,623 Thanks: 27,641 Thanked 14,458 Times in 10,262 Posts Awards Showcase Total Awards: 8	re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae) Holly and Ivy hanging up and something wet in every cup* Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute. She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat. She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake." So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom ... a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and covered it with icing. The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church. Before she left the house, Alice had given her daughter some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened, and to buy that cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold. Alice was beside herself. The next day, Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon. Before the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert. Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, "What a beautiful cake!" Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself." __________________ PUTIN TRUMP & Netanyahu Will Meet in HELL ..................*SHARKS are Closing in on TRUMP*.......................... *TRUMP WARNS; 'There'll Be a Bloodbath* If I Don't Get Elected'..MAGA - MyAssGotArrested...IT's COMING** PLEASE HELP THIS SITE..Click DONATE & Thanks to ALL Members of ... 1.. THIS SITE IS MORE THAN JUST WAREZ...& TO STOP SPAM-IF YOU WANT TO POST, YOUR FIRST POST MUST BE IN WELCOMES

29-12-11, 01:13	#118
Ladybbird Join Date: Feb 2011 Posts: 47,623 Thanks: 27,641 Thanked 14,458 Times in 10,262 Posts Awards Showcase Total Awards: 8	re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae) 5 I was on the 7.45 a.m bus over thirty years ago, one miserable monday morning on the way to work after catching the first bus half an hour earlier which brought me in to O'Connell Bridge in Dublin through the torrents of rain to get on this one soaking wet. Well upstairs (which was in those days the smoking deck, as you might remember), I sat down next to a window and looked out the window only to see the darkness of another horrible early morning traffic jam with the cars and lorries all trying to get out of Dublin. I was training to be a watchmaker out in Blanchardstown. Anyhow with the rain pouring down and the heavy pall of cigarette smoke hanging over the packed upper level of the C.I.E bus you could hear a pin drop as everybody was thoroughly dejected at another dismal trip out to, as Americans would call it, "The Boonies".You could also see the steam rising off the occupants of the bus as the heater at full blast was now drying out some of the passengers who had been on the longest. Which made you at least realize, you were actually better off on the bus than trudging through the rain to wherever you needed to go! Well as I said it was extremely quiet and all that could be heard were the smokers exhaling into this growing fog. There were two Country fellas as we would call them in Dublin behind me and one said to the other, "Mick, were you at the match in Croke park yesterday?". Mick said just a flat "No" and the other fella whose name heard was Brendan said, "all the fellas in his work thought that people who liked hurling were proper eejits!". There was silence for the next 30 seconds or so until Mick said matter of factly, "Isn't it gas all the same Brendan, how they can get 80,000 eejits at one time in the one place." I laughed all the way out to Blanchardstown. over 45 minutes - Mind you not too loud, they were also bigger than me at the time. __________________ PUTIN TRUMP & Netanyahu Will Meet in HELL ..................*SHARKS are Closing in on TRUMP*.......................... *TRUMP WARNS; 'There'll Be a Bloodbath* If I Don't Get Elected'..MAGA - MyAssGotArrested...IT's COMING** PLEASE HELP THIS SITE..Click DONATE & Thanks to ALL Members of ... 1.. THIS SITE IS MORE THAN JUST WAREZ...& TO STOP SPAM-IF YOU WANT TO POST, YOUR FIRST POST MUST BE IN WELCOMES

29-12-11, 01:15	#119
Ladybbird Join Date: Feb 2011 Posts: 47,623 Thanks: 27,641 Thanked 14,458 Times in 10,262 Posts Awards Showcase Total Awards: 8	re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae) The local priest had just hired a new housekeeper, Mary. The first morning while Father was having breakfast, Mary entered the room and exclaimed that the toaster was not working. He explained to Mary now that she was part of the household she should refer to the toaster as "our toaster". A few days later Mary mentioned to Father that the refrigerator was not working. He once again explained that she should refer to it as "our refrigerator". About a month later, the priest was entertaining the Bishop for dinner when Mary rushed into the room screaming in panic, "Father, Father, there's a mouse under our bed!" __________________ PUTIN TRUMP & Netanyahu Will Meet in HELL ..................*SHARKS are Closing in on TRUMP*.......................... *TRUMP WARNS; 'There'll Be a Bloodbath* If I Don't Get Elected'..MAGA - MyAssGotArrested...IT's COMING** PLEASE HELP THIS SITE..Click DONATE & Thanks to ALL Members of ... 1.. THIS SITE IS MORE THAN JUST WAREZ...& TO STOP SPAM-IF YOU WANT TO POST, YOUR FIRST POST MUST BE IN WELCOMES

29-12-11, 01:16	#120
Ladybbird Join Date: Feb 2011 Posts: 47,623 Thanks: 27,641 Thanked 14,458 Times in 10,262 Posts Awards Showcase Total Awards: 8	re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae) Sarah and her thirteen-year-old sister had been fighting a lot this year. This happens when you combine a headstrong four-year-old, who is sure she is always right, with a young adolescent. Sarah's parents, trying to take advantage of her avid interest in what Santa might bring, reminded the four-year-old that Santa was watching and doesn't like it when children fight. This had little impact. "I'll just have to tell Santa about your misbehavior," the mother said as she picked up the phone and dialed. Sarah's eyes grew big as her mother asked "Mrs. Claus" (Sarah's aunt), if she could put Santa on the line. Sarah's mouth dropped open as Mom described to Santa (Sarah's uncle) how the four-year-old was acting. But, when Mom said that Santa wanted to talk to her, she reluctantly took the phone. Santa, in a deepened voice, explained to her how there would be no presents Christmas morning to children who fought with their sisters. He would be watching, and he expected things to be better from now on. Sarah, now even more wide eyed, solemnly nodded to each of Santa's remarks and silently hung the phone up when he was done. After a long moment, Mom (holding in her chuckles at being so clever) asked, "What did Santa say to you, sweetie?" In almost a whisper, Sarah sadly but matter-of-factly stated, "Santa said he won't be bringing toys to my sister this year." __________________ PUTIN TRUMP & Netanyahu Will Meet in HELL ..................*SHARKS are Closing in on TRUMP*.......................... *TRUMP WARNS; 'There'll Be a Bloodbath* If I Don't Get Elected'..MAGA - MyAssGotArrested...IT's COMING** PLEASE HELP THIS SITE..Click DONATE & Thanks to ALL Members of ... 1.. THIS SITE IS MORE THAN JUST WAREZ...& TO STOP SPAM-IF YOU WANT TO POST, YOUR FIRST POST MUST BE IN WELCOMES

29-12-11, 01:17	#121
Ladybbird Join Date: Feb 2011 Posts: 47,623 Thanks: 27,641 Thanked 14,458 Times in 10,262 Posts Awards Showcase Total Awards: 8	re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae) Father O'Malley was going through the post one day. Drawing a single sheet of paper from an envelope, he found written on it just one word: "FOOL." The next Sunday at Mass, he announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names. But this week I received a letter from someone who signed their name and forgot to write a letter." __________________ PUTIN TRUMP & Netanyahu Will Meet in HELL ..................*SHARKS are Closing in on TRUMP*.......................... *TRUMP WARNS; 'There'll Be a Bloodbath* If I Don't Get Elected'..MAGA - MyAssGotArrested...IT's COMING** PLEASE HELP THIS SITE..Click DONATE & Thanks to ALL Members of ... 1.. THIS SITE IS MORE THAN JUST WAREZ...& TO STOP SPAM-IF YOU WANT TO POST, YOUR FIRST POST MUST BE IN WELCOMES

29-12-11, 01:19	#122
Ladybbird Join Date: Feb 2011 Posts: 47,623 Thanks: 27,641 Thanked 14,458 Times in 10,262 Posts Awards Showcase Total Awards: 8	re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae) It was opening night at the theatre and The Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famous hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists, who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience. "The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off it's polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces! "S*"! yelled Claude. It took three weeks to clean up the theatre. __________________ PUTIN TRUMP & Netanyahu Will Meet in HELL** ..................*SHARKS are Closing in on TRUMP*.......................... *TRUMP WARNS; 'There'll Be a Bloodbath* If I Don't Get Elected'..MAGA - MyAssGotArrested...IT's COMING** PLEASE HELP THIS SITE..Click DONATE & Thanks to ALL Members of ... 1.. THIS SITE IS MORE THAN JUST WAREZ...& TO STOP SPAM-IF YOU WANT TO POST, YOUR FIRST POST MUST BE IN WELCOMES

29-12-11, 01:34	#123
Ladybbird Join Date: Feb 2011 Posts: 47,623 Thanks: 27,641 Thanked 14,458 Times in 10,262 Posts Awards Showcase Total Awards: 8	re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae) At 85 years of age, Patrick marries Kate, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is getting on in years, Kate decides that after their wedding she and Patrick should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that he might overexert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Kate prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Patrick, her 85 year old groom, ready to make love. They unite as one. All goes well, Patrick takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Kate hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Patrick. Again he is ready for more love-making. Somewhat surprised, Kate consents. When the newlyweds are done, Patrick kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Patrick is back, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old. Once more. they enjoy each other. But as Patrick gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at 85 you can perform so well and so often. I have heard that most men a third of your age are only any good just once. You are truly a great lover, Patrick." Patrick, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Kate and says: "You mean I was here already?" __________________ PUTIN TRUMP & Netanyahu Will Meet in HELL ..................*SHARKS are Closing in on TRUMP*.......................... *TRUMP WARNS; 'There'll Be a Bloodbath* If I Don't Get Elected'..MAGA - MyAssGotArrested...IT's COMING** PLEASE HELP THIS SITE..Click DONATE & Thanks to ALL Members of ... 1.. THIS SITE IS MORE THAN JUST WAREZ...& TO STOP SPAM-IF YOU WANT TO POST, YOUR FIRST POST MUST BE IN WELCOMES

29-12-11, 01:35	#124
Ladybbird Join Date: Feb 2011 Posts: 47,623 Thanks: 27,641 Thanked 14,458 Times in 10,262 Posts Awards Showcase Total Awards: 8	re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae) Father Guffy roared from the pulpit to his \| parishioners: "The drink has killed millions - it rots their stomachs and they die in agony. Smoking has killed millions - it coats your lungs and you die in agony. Overeating and consorting with loose women have also killed millions..." " 'Scuse me, Father," hollered Reagan from the back, "but what is it that kills the people who live right? __________________ PUTIN TRUMP & Netanyahu Will Meet in HELL ..................*SHARKS are Closing in on TRUMP*.......................... *TRUMP WARNS; 'There'll Be a Bloodbath* If I Don't Get Elected'..MAGA - MyAssGotArrested...IT's COMING** PLEASE HELP THIS SITE..Click DONATE & Thanks to ALL Members of ... 1.. THIS SITE IS MORE THAN JUST WAREZ...& TO STOP SPAM-IF YOU WANT TO POST, YOUR FIRST POST MUST BE IN WELCOMES

29-12-11, 01:36	#125
Ladybbird Join Date: Feb 2011 Posts: 47,623 Thanks: 27,641 Thanked 14,458 Times in 10,262 Posts Awards Showcase Total Awards: 8	re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae) Sean met a woman at a luxurious resort and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night the two of hem went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship. Sean began by saying to his new lady friend that while she meant a lot to him, "It's only fair to warn you that when I'm at home I am completely consumed by golf. I eat, sleep and breath golf. so if that's a problem,you'd better say so right now." "Well, since we're being honest with each other, here goes," she replied."I'm a hooker." "I see," replied Sean, and was quiet for a moment. Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off." __________________ PUTIN TRUMP & Netanyahu Will Meet in HELL ..................*SHARKS are Closing in on TRUMP*.......................... *TRUMP WARNS; 'There'll Be a Bloodbath* If I Don't Get Elected'..MAGA - MyAssGotArrested...IT's COMING** PLEASE HELP THIS SITE..Click DONATE & Thanks to ALL Members of ... 1.. THIS SITE IS MORE THAN JUST WAREZ...& TO STOP SPAM-IF YOU WANT TO POST, YOUR FIRST POST MUST BE IN WELCOMES

29-12-11, 01:38	#126
Ladybbird Join Date: Feb 2011 Posts: 47,623 Thanks: 27,641 Thanked 14,458 Times in 10,262 Posts Awards Showcase Total Awards: 8	re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae) Father O'Malley arose one fine spring morning, walked to the window of his bedroom to take in the beauty of the day and noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the gardai. The conversation went like this: Dia Dhuit, this is Sgt. O' Flaherty and how might we be of help to you?" Good day to yourself, Sergeant. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead on our front lawn. Would you be a good man now and send a couple of the lads to to take care of the matter?" Sgt. Flaherty considered himself to be quite a wit and the rest of the conversation proceeded: "Well now, Father, it was always my impression that you took care of the last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a moment and then Father O'Malley replied: "Indeed, indeed, Sergeant O'Flaherty, but we're also obliged to notify the next of kin!" __________________ PUTIN TRUMP & Netanyahu Will Meet in HELL ..................*SHARKS are Closing in on TRUMP*.......................... *TRUMP WARNS; 'There'll Be a Bloodbath* If I Don't Get Elected'..MAGA - MyAssGotArrested...IT's COMING** PLEASE HELP THIS SITE..Click DONATE & Thanks to ALL Members of ... 1.. THIS SITE IS MORE THAN JUST WAREZ...& TO STOP SPAM-IF YOU WANT TO POST, YOUR FIRST POST MUST BE IN WELCOMES

29-12-11, 01:41	#127
Ladybbird Join Date: Feb 2011 Posts: 47,623 Thanks: 27,641 Thanked 14,458 Times in 10,262 Posts Awards Showcase Total Awards: 8	re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae) Irish Jokes: 6 Sean and his wife, Aoife, had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks. He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. "Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up so surprise me!" Sean did just that. For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale. Nobody has seen or heard from him since. __________________ PUTIN TRUMP & Netanyahu Will Meet in HELL ..................*SHARKS are Closing in on TRUMP*.......................... *TRUMP WARNS; 'There'll Be a Bloodbath* If I Don't Get Elected'..MAGA - MyAssGotArrested...IT's COMING** PLEASE HELP THIS SITE..Click DONATE & Thanks to ALL Members of ... 1.. THIS SITE IS MORE THAN JUST WAREZ...& TO STOP SPAM-IF YOU WANT TO POST, YOUR FIRST POST MUST BE IN WELCOMES

05-01-12, 02:08	#128
Ladybbird Join Date: Feb 2011 Posts: 47,623 Thanks: 27,641 Thanked 14,458 Times in 10,262 Posts Awards Showcase Total Awards: 8	re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae) A farmer finally decided to buy a TV. The store assured him that they would install the antenna and TV the next day.The next evening the farmer turned on his new TV and found only political adverts on every channel. The next morning he turned the TV on and found only political dverts again. When he came in to eat dinner he tried the TV again but still only found political adverts. The next day when he still found only political adverts he called the store to complain. The owner said that it was impossible for every channel to only have political adverts, but agreed to send their repairman to check the TV. When the TV repairman turned on the TV he found that the farmer was right. After looking at the TV for a while he went outside to check the antenna. In a few minutes he returned and told the farmer he had found the problem. The antenna had been installed on top of the windmill and grounded to the manure spreader. __________________ PUTIN TRUMP & Netanyahu Will Meet in HELL ..................*SHARKS are Closing in on TRUMP*.......................... *TRUMP WARNS; 'There'll Be a Bloodbath* If I Don't Get Elected'..MAGA - MyAssGotArrested...IT's COMING** PLEASE HELP THIS SITE..Click DONATE & Thanks to ALL Members of ... 1.. THIS SITE IS MORE THAN JUST WAREZ...& TO STOP SPAM-IF YOU WANT TO POST, YOUR FIRST POST MUST BE IN WELCOMES

05-01-12, 02:11	#129
Ladybbird Join Date: Feb 2011 Posts: 47,623 Thanks: 27,641 Thanked 14,458 Times in 10,262 Posts Awards Showcase Total Awards: 8	re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae) A European tourist is lost and stops in an Irish village to ask for directions. He sees two old men sitting outside the pub enjoying their Guinness. “Parlez-vous Francais, he asks. The old men look at each other and shake their heads. “Sprechen sie Deutsch?” Again, the old men shake their heads. Beginning to get a bit irritated, the tourist asks “Habla Espanol?” The men once again shake their heads. Totally exasperated by now, the tourist asks “Parla l'italiano?” The men once again look at each other and then shake their heads in puzzlement. The tourist is so disgusted that he drives off. One old man sais to the other, “You know, Sean, perhaps we should learn another language.” “Ah get on with yeh; look at him, he knows four and it didn’t do him a bit of good.” A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Sean was excited about the task. But, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Sean was so nervous that when it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my shepherd and that's all I need to know." __________________ PUTIN TRUMP & Netanyahu Will Meet in HELL ..................*SHARKS are Closing in on TRUMP*.......................... *TRUMP WARNS; 'There'll Be a Bloodbath* If I Don't Get Elected'..MAGA - MyAssGotArrested...IT's COMING** PLEASE HELP THIS SITE..Click DONATE & Thanks to ALL Members of ... 1.. THIS SITE IS MORE THAN JUST WAREZ...& TO STOP SPAM-IF YOU WANT TO POST, YOUR FIRST POST MUST BE IN WELCOMES

05-01-12, 02:12	#130
Ladybbird Join Date: Feb 2011 Posts: 47,623 Thanks: 27,641 Thanked 14,458 Times in 10,262 Posts Awards Showcase Total Awards: 8	re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae) Brendan was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up the drink." Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Brendan looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one.” __________________ PUTIN TRUMP & Netanyahu Will Meet in HELL ..................*SHARKS are Closing in on TRUMP*.......................... *TRUMP WARNS; 'There'll Be a Bloodbath* If I Don't Get Elected'..MAGA - MyAssGotArrested...IT's COMING** PLEASE HELP THIS SITE..Click DONATE & Thanks to ALL Members of ... 1.. THIS SITE IS MORE THAN JUST WAREZ...& TO STOP SPAM-IF YOU WANT TO POST, YOUR FIRST POST MUST BE IN WELCOMES

05-01-12, 02:12	#131
Ladybbird Join Date: Feb 2011 Posts: 47,623 Thanks: 27,641 Thanked 14,458 Times in 10,262 Posts Awards Showcase Total Awards: 8	re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae) Father Murphy was playing golf with a parishioner. On the first hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter "Hoover!" under his breath. On the second hole, the ball went straight into a water hazard. "Hoover!" again, a little louder this time. On the third hole, a miracle occurred and Fr. Murphy's drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole! "Praise be to God!" He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in. "HOOVER!" By this time, his opponent couldn't withhold his curiosity any longer, and asked why the priest said 'Hoover'. "It's the biggest dam I know," said the priest. __________________ PUTIN TRUMP & Netanyahu Will Meet in HELL ..................*SHARKS are Closing in on TRUMP*.......................... *TRUMP WARNS; 'There'll Be a Bloodbath* If I Don't Get Elected'..MAGA - MyAssGotArrested...IT's COMING** PLEASE HELP THIS SITE..Click DONATE & Thanks to ALL Members of ... 1.. THIS SITE IS MORE THAN JUST WAREZ...& TO STOP SPAM-IF YOU WANT TO POST, YOUR FIRST POST MUST BE IN WELCOMES

05-01-12, 02:13	#132
Ladybbird Join Date: Feb 2011 Posts: 47,623 Thanks: 27,641 Thanked 14,458 Times in 10,262 Posts Awards Showcase Total Awards: 8	re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae) A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders the "Chicken Surprise." The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast-iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Sputtering in a fit of pique, he calls the waiter over, describes what is happening, and demands an explanation! "Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order? The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise." "Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck." __________________ PUTIN TRUMP & Netanyahu Will Meet in HELL ..................*SHARKS are Closing in on TRUMP*.......................... *TRUMP WARNS; 'There'll Be a Bloodbath* If I Don't Get Elected'..MAGA - MyAssGotArrested...IT's COMING** PLEASE HELP THIS SITE..Click DONATE & Thanks to ALL Members of ... 1.. THIS SITE IS MORE THAN JUST WAREZ...& TO STOP SPAM-IF YOU WANT TO POST, YOUR FIRST POST MUST BE IN WELCOMES

05-01-12, 02:13	#133
Ladybbird Join Date: Feb 2011 Posts: 47,623 Thanks: 27,641 Thanked 14,458 Times in 10,262 Posts Awards Showcase Total Awards: 8	re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae) Paddy and Mick had emigrated from Ireland and worked together in an Ontario clothing factory. Both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'panty stitcher'. I sews the lastic onta ladies' cotton knickers. The clerk looked up 'panty stitcher' on his computer and finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave Paddy $80 dollars a week unemployment pay. Mick was next in and when asked his occupation, he replied, 'diesel fitter'. Since 'diesel fitter' was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160 dollars a week. When Paddy found out, he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained, 'panty stitchers' are unskilled and 'diesel fitters' are skilled labour. "What skill?" yelled Paddy?! "I sews da lastic onta da knickers. Mick puts dem over his head and says: 'Right ye are so, dese 'ull fit her.'" __________________ PUTIN TRUMP & Netanyahu Will Meet in HELL ..................*SHARKS are Closing in on TRUMP*.......................... *TRUMP WARNS; 'There'll Be a Bloodbath* If I Don't Get Elected'..MAGA - MyAssGotArrested...IT's COMING** PLEASE HELP THIS SITE..Click DONATE & Thanks to ALL Members of ... 1.. THIS SITE IS MORE THAN JUST WAREZ...& TO STOP SPAM-IF YOU WANT TO POST, YOUR FIRST POST MUST BE IN WELCOMES

05-01-12, 02:14	#134
Ladybbird Join Date: Feb 2011 Posts: 47,623 Thanks: 27,641 Thanked 14,458 Times in 10,262 Posts Awards Showcase Total Awards: 8	re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae) Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."The second said," I sent her a BMW with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you, both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible, and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in an Irish monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000.00 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it." Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: " "Seamus,” she wrote the first son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Sean," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the BMW. And the driver is so rude!" "Dearest Donal," she wrote to her third son, "You were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was delicious." __________________ PUTIN TRUMP & Netanyahu Will Meet in HELL ..................*SHARKS are Closing in on TRUMP*.......................... *TRUMP WARNS; 'There'll Be a Bloodbath* If I Don't Get Elected'..MAGA - MyAssGotArrested...IT's COMING** PLEASE HELP THIS SITE..Click DONATE & Thanks to ALL Members of ... 1.. THIS SITE IS MORE THAN JUST WAREZ...& TO STOP SPAM-IF YOU WANT TO POST, YOUR FIRST POST MUST BE IN WELCOMES

05-01-12, 02:15	#135
Ladybbird Join Date: Feb 2011 Posts: 47,623 Thanks: 27,641 Thanked 14,458 Times in 10,262 Posts Awards Showcase Total Awards: 8	re: Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae) A guy sitting at a bar in an international airport noticed a very beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for? Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?" She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, "Oh darn, she doesn't work for Delta". A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?" She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list. Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk." This time the woman turned on him "What in God's name do you want?" The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said, "Ahhhhh, Aer Lingus!" __________________ PUTIN TRUMP & Netanyahu Will Meet in HELL ..................*SHARKS are Closing in on TRUMP*.......................... *TRUMP WARNS; 'There'll Be a Bloodbath* If I Don't Get Elected'..MAGA - MyAssGotArrested...IT's COMING** PLEASE HELP THIS SITE..Click DONATE & Thanks to ALL Members of ... 1.. THIS SITE IS MORE THAN JUST WAREZ...& TO STOP SPAM-IF YOU WANT TO POST, YOUR FIRST POST MUST BE IN WELCOMES