Irish Humour (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)

[Ladybbird]

7

The Monsignor greeted Paddy and said "Congratulations on your 50th wedding anniversary"! Have you any plans made on how to celebrate?"
"Well," said Paddy, "on our 25th Anniversary I took Mary to Ireland."
And what are you going to do on your 50th?" asked the Msgr.
"Well," said Paddy "I think I'll bring her back."

[Ladybbird]

Sean and Liam were walking in the woods when they came across a sign saying, "Tree Fellers wanted". Liam says to Sean, "Now isn't that a shame. If Seamus was with us, we could have gotten the job".

[Ladybbird]

A Texas rancher comes to Ireland and meets a Kerry farmer.
The Texan says : "Takes me a whole day to drive from one side of my ranch to the other."
The Kerry farmer says:"Ah sure, I know, sir. We have tractors like that here too."

[Ladybbird]

One Irishman was explaining to the other how the Lord often compensates for a person's natural deficiencies. "You see," he said, "If someone is a bit blind he might have a very good sense of hearing, or if his sense of taste has gone, he may have a keen sense of smell." "I agree with you," said the other. "I've always noticed that if someone has one short leg, the other one is always just that little bit longer."

[Ladybbird]

A Kerryman and an American were sitting at the Shannon Airport.
"I've come to meet me brother", said the Kerryman, "he's due to fly in
from America in an hour's time. It's his first trip home in forty
years."
"Will you be able to recognize him?" asked the American.
"I'm sure I won't", said the Kerryman, "after all these years."
"I wonder if he will recognize you?" said the American.
"Of course he will". Said the Kerryman, "sure I haven't been away at all."

[Ladybbird]

7

The warden catches Seamus leaving the vicinity of the reservoir with a bucket of fish. "Aha! I've caught you poachin' fish red-handed," says the warden. "What do you mean, red-handed?" says Seamus. "You've got a bucket full of 'em right there. You can't talk your way out of it this time." "Oh, you don't understand," says Seamus, "I've not poached a thing. These are me pet fish. I bring 'em to the reservoir once a week for exercise. After they've had a good swim, they come back to the bucket and we go back home." "Do ya expect me to believe such an outlandish tale?"
"I can prove it." say Seamus. So they walk back to the reservoir and Seamus dips the bucket in and the fish swim away. They stand in silence for 20, 30, 40 minutes - no sign of the fish coming back to the pail.
"Ha, ya lying rogue!" shouts the warden. "Where are your fish?"
"What fish?"

[Ladybbird]

St. Brigid dies and goes to Heaven. God greets her at the Pearly Gates.
"Be thou hungry, Brigid?" asks God. "I could eat, says she.
So God opens a can of tuna, reaches for a chunk of dry bread and they share it. While eating this humble meal, St. Brigid looks down into Hell and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, pastries, and wines. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remains quiet. The next day God again invites her to join him for a meal. As before, it is tuna and dry bread. Once again, St. Brigid can see the denizens of Hell enjoying smoked salmon, roast lamb, Guinness and Irish whiskey cake. Still she says nothing.The following day, mealtime arrives and another can of tuna is opened. She cannot contain herself any longer. Meekly, she says: "God, I am grateful to be in Heaven with you as a reward for my life of piety, obedience and generosity. But here in Heaven all I get to eat is tuna and bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings!
I just don't understand..."
God sighs. "Let's be honest," he says, "for just
the two of us, does it pay to cook?"

[Ladybbird]

Irish patient to fellow in the next bed, "Look, the doctor's coming round soon. Try to cheer him up because he's very worried about you."

[Ladybbird]

Father O'Malley arose one fine spring morning, walked to the window of his bedroom to take in the beauty of the day and noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the gardai. The conversation went like this: Dia Dhuit, this is Sgt. O' Flaherty and how might we be of help to you?" Good day to yourself, Sergeant. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead on our front lawn. Would you be a good man now and send a couple of the lads to to take care of the matter?" Sgt. Flaherty considered himself to be quite a wit and the rest of the conversation proceeded: "Well now, Father, it was always my impression that you took care of the last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a moment and then Father O'Malley replied: "Indeed, indeed, Sergeant O'Flaherty, but we're also obliged to notify the next of kin!"
END

[Ladybbird]

Holly and Ivy hanging up and something wet in every cup*

Not so long ago, Irish Christmas decorations were much simpler than they are now. The children gathered holly and ivy for adorning, windows, doorways, mantles and pictures, and the father would carve out a turnip in which would be placed a large red candle. This would go in the window to light the way for the Holy Family on Christmas Eve. Only in relatively recent times did an Irish family have a Nativity scene and a decorated tree in the house.

As for Mistletoe, it's quite rare in ireland and is generally associated with ancient Celtic and Druidic fertility celebrations; this is most likely where the custom of kissing under the mistletoe comes from.

*Old Irish Christmas toast

[Ladybbird]

......Irish Wit & Humor





These are the quotes that are humorous or display the wit that gives a chuckle. Serious thought is not allowed (well you may, if you like).


It is an old maxim in the schools,
That flattery's the food of fools;
Yet now and then your men of wit
Will condescend to take a bit.
From Cadenus and Vanessa by Jonathan Swift




Marriage: When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.
George Bernard Shaw





I'm an atheist and I thank God for it.
George Bernard Shaw





..."the drink and I have been friends for so long, it would be a pity for me to leave without one last kiss."
The last words of harpist, singer and compose Turlough O'Carolan who died on March 25 1738.





It is Ireland's sacred duty to send over, every few years, a playwright to save the English theatre from inarticulate glumness.
Kenneth Tynan, Observer, 27 May 1956





"Give an Irishman lager for a month, and he's a dead man. An Irishman is lined with copper, and the beer corrodes it. But whiskey polishes the copper and is the saving of him."
Mark Twain, Life on the Mississippi
Photo Credit: Irish Whiskey Trail





Peter O’ Toole was once asked what was his favorite Irish food: “My number one choice is Guinness. My number two choice would be Guinness. My number three choice would have to be Guinness.”
Peter O'Toole. (b. August 2, 1932)
Photo Credit: Daily Mail



Even if the ball was wrapped in bacon, Lassie couldn't find it. Heard from an Irish caddie, after a particularly bad shot





When I die I want to decompose in a barrel of porter and have it served in all the pubs in Dublin.

J.P. Donleavy - born April April 23, 1926





The rain drove us into the church - our refuge, our strength, our only dry place...Limerick gained a reputation for piety, but we knew it was only the rain.
From Angela’s Ashes by Frank McCourt
Photo Credit: Claire Hegarty - Dublin





I think there's a bit of the devil in everybody. There's a bit of a priest in everybody, too, but I enjoyed playing the devil more. He was more fun.
Gabriel Byrne


The fickleness of the women I love is only equalled by the infernal constancy of the women who love me.
George Bernard Shaw




You know it's summer in Ireland when the rain gets warmer.
Hal Roach
Photo Credit:Boston Irish Blog


Come forth, Lazarus! And he came fifth and lost the job.
From Ulysses by James Joyce


The majority of the members of the Irish parliament are professional politicians, in the sense that otherwise they would not be given jobs minding mice at crossroads.
Flann O'Brien


The only mothers it is safe to forget on Mother's Day are the good ones.
Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook


"It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious."
From Oscar Wilde's play Lady Windermere's Fan, which had its debut on February 20, 1892.


True friends stab you in the front.
Oscar Wilde


The most important thing I would learn in school was that almost everything I would learn in school would be utterly useless. When I was fifteen I knew the principal industries of the Ruhr Valley, the underlying causes of World War One and what Peig Sayers had for her dinner every day...What I wanted to know when I was fifteen was the best way to chat up girls. That is what I still want to know.
From the Secret World of the Irish Male by Joseph O'Connor


If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
George Bernard Shaw


The government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
From “Everybody’s Political What’s What?” by George bernard Shaw.

Definition of an 'Irish fact':
That which tells you not what is the case but what you want to hear.
Hugh Kenner

My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.
Spike Milligan

Samuel Johnson once said "the Irish are a fair people, they never speak well of one another." So, naturally, Brendan Behan, that bad boy of Irish literature, had the Irish insult down to a fine art:
"If it was raining soup, the Irish would go out with forks."

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Marriage is the same.
Oscar Wilde

Ireland remains a deeply religious country, with the two main denominations being "us" and "them". In the unlikely event you are asked which group you belong to, the correct answer is:"I'm an atheist, thank God".

It has been said of Sir Boyle Roche, MP (1743-1807) for Tralee, Co. Kerry), that he only opened his mouth to change his feet. On one occasion he told his audience that "the cup of Ireland's misery has been overflowing for centuries and is not yet half full." Joining that remarkable cup is this spectacularly mixed metaphor, also by Roche: "All along the untrodden paths of the future, I can see the footprints of an unseen hand."

Sign on a Kinsale shop: Out for lunch. If not back by five, out for dinner also.


They invented the three-day bank holiday weekend because you can't lump all the bad weather into just Saturday and Sunday.

Notice in a Co. Down field ....
"TRESPASSERS PROSECUTED - PLEASE SHUT THE GATE"

It was so windy that one of our chickens laid the same egg four times.
(Excerpted from an Irish mother's letter to her son)

Dublin University contains the cream of Ireland - rich and thick.
Samuel Beckett

Sign on a farm-house gate:
Horse Manure: 50p per pre-packed bag. 20p -do it your self.

Sign on an Irish gate:
The farmer allows walkers across the field for free, but the bull charges.

Curran said to Father O'Leary, the wittiest priest of his day, "I wish you were St. Peter." "Why?" asked O'Leary. "Because," said Curran, "you would have the keys of heaven, and could let me in." "It would be better for you," said O'Leary, "that I had the keys of the other place, for then I could let you out."
From W.R. LeFanu's "70 Years of Irish Life," 1896

Sir Boyle Roche MP was the Member for Tralee, County Kerry, in the Irish House of Commons in the latter part of the 18th century. His response to another member's appeal for some measure because it would benefit posterity? "Why, Mr. Speaker," Sir Boyle asked, "should we do anything for posterity? What has posterity done for us?"

Spike Milligan was asked if anything was worn under the kilt. Always quick with a comeback, Spike responded "No, it's all in perfect working order."

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.
Oscar Wilde

New York is my Lourdes where I go for spiritual refreshment...a place where you are least likely to be bitten by a wild goat. Brendan Behan

"All money is tainted, tain't none of it mine."
Thomas Francis McGuire
This was sent in by one of our readers, Rosemary Nagy. Mr. McGuire was her dad. Thanks, Rosemary!

Notice on a Cork building site:

The shovels haven't arrived, and until they do, you'll have to lean on each other.

My grandmother made dying her life's work.
Hugh Leonard

The English should give Ireland home rule - and reserve the motion picture rights.
Will Rogers

An Irishman will always soften bad news, so that a major coronary is no more than 'a bad turn' and a near hurricane that leaves thousands homeless is 'good drying weather'.
Hugh Leonard

A man who moralizes is usually a hypocrite, and a woman who moralizes is usually plain.
Oscar Wilde

There was an old fellow at Trinity
Who solved the square root of infinity.
But it gave him such fidgets
To count up the digits
That he dropped Math and took up Divinity

Sir Lewis Morris was complaining to Oscar Wilde about the neglect of his poems by the press. "It's a conspiracy of silence," he declared, "What do you think I should do?" "Join it!" suggested Wilde.

Me darlin' was sweet, me darlin' was chaste
Faith, an' more's the pity.
For though she was sweet an'though she was chaste,
She was chased all the way through the city.
Anonymous Irish verse, circa 1790

Rose McGowan remembers asking Peter O'Toole if there were millions of girls chasing him around the planet after he did Lawrence of Arabia, and he said, "My dear girl, I didn't need movies to do that."

A garda recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for reinforcements."

"My way of joking is to tell the truth. it's the funniest joke in the world."
George Bernard Shaw.

He knows nothing; and he thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.
George Bernard Shaw

Then there’s the Irishman on the construction site who was asked if he knows the difference between a joist and a girder. “Well, sure anyone would know that,” he replies. “Joist wrote Ulysses and Girder wrote Faust.”

'Tis an old maxim in the schools, that flattery's the food of fools; yet now and then your men of wit will condescend to take a bit. Jonathan Swift

The only thing that can console one for being poor is extravagance.
Oscar Wilde

Few people think more than two or three times a year; I have made an international reputation for myself by thinking once or twice a week.
GB Shaw

From out of the mouth of a nun in Ballyragget, Kilkenny when describing a woman in high heels:
"She was like a cat on a scissors."

He is indebted to his memory for his jests and to his imagination for his facts.
Richard Brinsley Sheridan, in honour of his birthday October 30

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Oscar Wilde

Bernard Shaw is an excellent man; he has not an enemy in the world, and none of his friends like him.
Oscar Wilde

This one came in from Penny R. Thanks, Penny!
Irish whiskey was first developed for its medicinal benefits. It's just lucky for the rest of us that the Irish are such a sickly bunch.

But there are advantages to being elected President. The day after I was elected, I had my high school grades classified Top Secret.
President Reagan (RIP)

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That is his.'
Oscar Wilde

As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular.
Oscar Wilde.

Rome wasn't built in A.D.
Flann O'Brien

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
Conan O'Brien

Never serve oysters in a month that has no paycheck in it.
P. J. O'Rourke



A limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
anonymous




From the Catholic Dictionary:
Relics: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.


,"Burn everything British," he once advised his Irish countrymen, "except their coal."
Jonathan Swift

I saw a notice that said "Drink Canada Dry" and I've just started.
Brendan Behan

It's not that the Irish are cynical. It's rather that they have a wonderful lack of respect for everything and everybody.
Brendan Behan


You’ve heard of St. Denis of France,
He never had much for to brag on.
You’ve heard of St. George and his lance,
Who killed old heathenish dragon.
The Saints of the Welshmen and Scot
Are a couple of pitiful pipers,
And might just as well go to pot
When compared to the patron of vipers:
St. Patrick of Ireland, my dear.
Parody attributed to William Maginn

"The proper basis for marriage is mutual misunderstanding."
Oscar Wilde, Lord Arthur Savile's Crime, 1891

Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.


"There's one thing about a late marriage - it doesn't last long."
Elderly Irishman on RTÉ talking about Courting in the 1940's.


How do you confuse a Kerryman?
Place three shovels against a wall and ask him to take his pick.


I'm always suspicious of games where you're the only ones that play it.
Jack Charlton on hurling

Tell the cook of this restaurant with my compliments that these are the very worst sandwiches in the whole world, and that, when I ask for a watercress sandwich, I do not mean a loaf with a field in the middle of it.
Oscar Wilde

The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.
George Bernard Shaw

Before undergoing bypass surgery, descendant of Irish emigrants and former President Bill Clinton was quoted as saying from his hospital bed: "The Republicans aren't the only ones who want four more years."

Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?
Spike Milligan

Larry Gogan: 'With what town in Britain is Shakespeare associated?'
Contestant: 'Hamlet'.

Ladies and gentlemen are permitted to have friends in the kennel but not in the kitchen.
George Bernard Shaw

"He was always late on principle; his principle being that punctuality is the thief of time."
Oscar Wilde

I never put off till tomorrow what I can do the day after.
Oscar Wilde

"Anybody can make history; only a great man can write it."
Oscar Wilde

"Alas, I am dying beyond my means."
Oscar Wilde


We found the following in a list of actual notes from medical records, as dictated by physicians:

1.While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
2. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
3. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.


I've posed nude for a photographer in the manner of Rodin's Thinker, but I looked merely constipated.
George Bernard Shaw

We can't win at home, we can't win away. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play.
Jock Brown - Celtic General Manager.

Some people were laughing at an Irishman who won a race for saying, "Well, I'm first at last." "You needn't laugh," said he; "Sure, wasn't I behind before?"
from W.R. Fanu's Book "70 Years of Irish History" 1896

First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity.
George Bernard Shaw

I am a confirmed believer in blessings in disguise. I prefer them undisguised when I myself happen to be the person blessed; in fact, I can scarcely recognize a blessing in disguise except when it is bestowed upon someone else.
Robert Lynd


But all husbands are geese, though our pride it may shock,
From the first 'twas ordained so by Nature, I fear;
Ould Adam himself was the first of the flock,
And Eve, with her apple sauce, cook'd him, my dear."
From the poem Dermott O'Dowd by Samuel Glover

Flo was fond of Ebenezer
"Eb," for short, she called her beau.
Talk of tides of love, great Caesar!
You should see them - Eb and Flo.
Thomas Daly (1871-1948)

"I am married to Beatrice Salkeld, a painter. We have no children, except me."
Brendan Behan


God then made man. The Italians for their beauty. The French for their cuisine. The Welsh for their voices. The Germans for their cars. And on and on until He looked at what He had created and said, "This is all very well, but no-one is having fun. I'll have to make an Irishman."

Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.
Oscar Wilde

I like men who have a future and women who have a past.
Oscar Wilde

Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you; their tastes may not be the same.
George Bernard Shaw

"I'm having difficulty getting the doctors around here to sign the appropriate form."
Spike Milligan on seeking permissiont to celebrate his 80th birthday with a 12,000 foot skydive.


"To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance."
Oscar Wilde - from An Ideal Husband, 1895

A particular favorite for theft is the road sign to one Co. Kerry village that reads: "Inch, 1 mile."


To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.
George Bernard Shaw

Nothing soothes me more after a long and maddening course of pianoforte recitals than to sit and have my teeth drilled
George Bernard Shaw

I must decline your invitation owing to a subsequent engagement.
Oscar Wilde

"She who hesitates is won."
Oscar Wilde

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free.
P.J. O'Rourke


Except during the nine months before he draws his first breath, no man manages his affairs as well as a tree does.
George Bernard Shaw

Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people, by the people, for the people.
Oscar Wilde

The difference between literature and journalism is that journalism is unreadable and literature is unread.
Oscar Wilde

Being Irish, I have an abiding sense of tragedy which sustains me through temporary periods of joy.
W.B. Yeats

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
Spike Milligan

What do I know of man's destiny? I could tell you more about radishes.
Samuel Beckett

O long life to the man who invented potheen -
Sure the Pope ought to make him a martyr -
If myself was this moment Victoria, the Queen,
I'd drink nothing but whiskey and wather.
From In Praise of Potheen by
Michael Moran, aka Zozimus

All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
Sean O'Casey


Lord, confound this surly sister,
Blight her brow with blotch and blister,
Cramp her larynx, lung, and liver,
In her guts a galling give her.
Let her live to earn her dinners
In Mountjoy with seedy sinners:
Lord, this judgment quickly bring,
And I'm your servant, J. M. Synge.


A curse on the sister of an enemy who disapproved of `The Playboy of the Western World.'

An Irishman will always soften bad news. so that a major coronary is no more than a 'bad turn' and a near-hurricane that leaves thousands homeless is 'good drying weather.'
From Rover and Other cats by Hugh Leonard

Ins't it a very curious thing that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland an' the English brought in the fleas.
From Angela's Ashes by Frank McCourt

To make a good salad is to be a brilliant diplomatist – the problem is entirely the same in both cases. To know exactly how much oil one must put with one's vinegar.
Oscar Wilde

I dislike arguments of any kind. They are always vulgar, and often convincing.
Oscar Wilde

There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks in them.
P. J. O'Rourke

"I often take exercise. Only yesterday I had breakfast in bed."
Oscar Wilde

Mr Patrick Kavanagh was recently reported as having declared that “there is no such thing as Gaelic literature”. This is hard luck on the institute of Advanced Studies, who are supposed to be looking into the thing. I attended the Book Fair in the Mansion House the other evening in the hope of overhearing other similar pronouncements from the writing persons who infest such a place. I heard plenty, and have recorded it in my note-books under “Stuff To Be Used If Certain People Put Their Heads Out”.
Flann O'Brien


I formed a new group called Alcoholics-Unanimous. If you don't feel like a drink, you ring another member and he comes over to persuade you.
Richard Harris

Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.
James Stephens, ‘The Crock of Gold’

Mr. de Valera has been talking non-stop since eight o'clock this morning, filling me in on the background to the Irish fight for freedom. And after eight hours and sixteen minutes he hasn't even reached the Norman invasion of Ireland yet.
Attributed to David Lloyd George - probably apocryphal

The fickleness of the women I love is only equaled by the infernal constancy of the women who love me.
George Bernard Shaw

She could curse fluently, so she boasted, in four languages - in the English, the Gaelic of Donegal, the Gaelic of Rachery, and the Gaelic of the Isles.
by Margaret Bannington
(We always knew there was more than one “Irish”!)


A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine; something Brussels Sprouts never do.
P. J. O'Rourke

You, that are going to be married, think things can never be done too fast: but we that are old, and know what we are about, must elope methodically, madam.
Oliver Goldsmith

There's man all over for you, blaming on his boots the fault of his feet.
Samuel Beckett

On the stage he was natural, simple, affecting;
T'was only that when he was off he was acting.
(on David Garrick, from Oliver Godsmith

First law on holes - when you're in one, stop digging.
Denis Healey

He knows nothing; and he thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.
George Bernard Shaw

I saw a notice that said "Drink Canada Dry" and I've just started.
Brendan Behan


Notice on a Cork building site:
The shovels haven't arrived, and until they do, you'll have to lean on each other.

I was court-martialled in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.
Brendan Behan


Of George Bernard Shaw, Oscar Wilde once said He hasn't an enemy in the world and none of his friends like him.


Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde

I often sit back and think, I wish I’d done that and find out later that I already have.
Richard Harris in reference to what happens when he drank.

I often quote myself, it adds spice to my conversation.
George Bernard Shaw

A sentimentalist is simply one who desires to have the luxury of an emotion without paying for it.
Oscar Wilde

Shakespeare said pretty well everything and what he left out, James Joyce, with a judge from meself, put in.
Brendan Behan

A Belfast newspaper reported on the launching of an aircraft carrier and recorded:
The Duchess smashed the bottle against the bow and amid the applause of the crowd she slid on her greasy bottom into the sea.

A newspaper in Ireland published the headline:
Half the council are crooks, but was asked to retract it. The following week it ran the heading: Half the council are NOT crooks.

We don't want to be like the leader in the French Revolution who said There go my people, I must find out where they are going so I can lead them.
John F. Kennedy

What we are doing is in the interest of everybody, bar possibly the consumer.
Aer Lingus spokesman


Sir Lewis Morris was complaining to Oscar Wilde about the neglect of his poems by the press. It's a conspiracy of silence, he declared. What do you think I should do? Join it! suggested Wilde.


George Bernard Shaw once received an invitation from a celebrity hound: Lady Tillingham-Swarthmore will be at home Thursday between four and six. GBS returned the card. Underneath her message, he had scrawled: Mr. George Bernard Shaw likewise.


There is in every cook's opinion
No savory dish without an onion.
But lest your kissing should be spoiled,
The onion must be thoroughly boiled.
Jonathan Swift


Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question? asked President Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Do we now? came New York Mayor Al Smith's reply.

It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf.
Robert Lynd


Said the Kerry farmer of a dim-witted neighbor:
And isn't he as slow as a wet week!


The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
William Butler Yeats


If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion.
George Bernard Shaw


Christopher Columbus, as everyone knows, is honoured by posterity because he was the last to discover America.
James Joyce


Little Boy: Mr. President, how did you become a war hero?
President Kennedy: It was absolutely involuntary. They sank my boat.


I'm only a beer teetotaller, not a champagne teetotaller.
George Bernard Shaw


No woman should ever be quite accurate about her age. It looks so calculating.
Oscar Wilde


From the popular Larry Gogan quiz show:
Larry Gogan: With what town in Britain is Shakespeare associated?
Contestant: Hamlet.

Have you heard about the Irish boomerang?
It doesn't come back, it just sings sad songs about how much it wants to.


The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything.
Oscar Wilde


Epigram on a stern Irish security guard:
What a pity Hell's gates are not kept by O'Flynn
The surly old dog would let nobody in.
Patrick Ireland


Ireland remains a deeply religious country, with the two main denominations being us and them. In the unlikely event you are asked which group you belong to, the correct answer is:I'm an atheist, thank God.


The vote means nothing to women. We should be armed.
Edna O'Brien


Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all other countries because you were born in it.
George Bernard Shaw


The town is as full as ever of 'characters,' all created by each other.
Wilfred Sheed's description of Dublin.

When any one of our relations was found to be a person of a very bad character, a troublesome guest, or one we desired to get rid of, upon his leaving my house I ever took care to lend him a riding-coat, or a pair of boots, or sometimes a horse of small value, and I always had the satisfaction of finding he never came back to return them.
Oliver Goldsmith


No man is an Ireland.
Chicago Mayor Richard Daley


Let schoolmasters puzzle their brain,
With grammar, and nonsense, and learning.
Good liquor, I stoutly maintain,
Gives genius a better discerning.
Oliver Goldsmith


One of the worst things that can happen in life is to win a bet on a horse at an early age.
Danny McGoorty, Irish Pool Player

They'd go to the opening of an envelope. Any big occasion, they’re always there. Anything for exposure. We can do without them.

Actors are unimportant.
Richard Harris on actors


Americans adore me and will go on adoring me until I say something nice about them.
George Bernard Shaw


An Irishman can be worried by the consciousness that there is nothing to worry about.
Austin O'Malley


That's the Irish people all over - they treat a joke as a serious thing, and a serious thing as a joke.
Sean O'Casey


You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.
P. J. O'Rourke


The curse of the Irish is not that they don't know the words to a song - its that they know them all.
Susan Dooley,
Washington Post.


After a good dinner one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations.
Oscar Wilde


It was a bold man who first swallowed an oyster.
Jonathan Swift


I mean, the question actors most often get asked is how they can bear saying the same things over and over again, night after night, but God knows the answer to that is, don't we all anyway; might as well get paid for it.
Richard Brinsley Sheridan


I have never liked working. To me a job is an invasion of privacy.
Danny McGoorty - Irish Pool Player




"I think the Irish woman was freed from slavery by bingo .... They can go out now, dressed up, with their handbags and have a drink and play bingo. And they deserve it."
John B. Keane
In memory - born 21 July 1928:died 30 May 2002




When I die I want to decompose in a barrel of porter and have it served in all the pubs in Ireland.
J. P. Dunleavy, The Ginger Man


I'm troubled, I'm dissatisfied. I'm Irish.
Marianne Moore

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."
Oscar Wilde


No human being believes that any other human being has a right to be in bed when he himself is up.
Robert Lynd


The Irish are a fair people; they never speak well of one another.
Samuel Johnson


Every man of genius is considerably helped by being dead.
Robert Lynd


All I ever seemed to get was the kind of girl who had a special dispensation from Rome to wear the thickest part of her legs below the knee.
Hugh Leonard


Newspapers are unable, seemingly, to discriminate between a bicycle accident and the collapse of civilisation.
George Bernard Shaw




The only man I know who behaves sensibly is my tailor. He takes my measurements anew each time he sees me. The rest go on with their old measurements and expect me to fit them.
George Bernard Shaw

[Ladybbird]

Irish Jokes to Make you Howl Laughing






1. Six Irish men were playing poker when one of them played a bad hand and died.

The rest drew straws to see who would tell his wife. One man draws the shortest straw and goes to his friend’s house to tell the wife.
The man says to her, “Your husband lost some money in the poker game and is afraid to come home.”
The wife says, “Tell him to drop dead!” The man responds, “I’ll go tell him.”


2. What's the difference between God and Bono? God doesn't wander around Dublin thinking he's Bono.


3. There are only three kinds of men who don’t understand women: young men, old men, and middled aged men. (Irish saying)


4. Never iron a four leaf clover. You don’t want to press your luck.


5. The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scots as a joke, but the Scots haven’t got the joke yet.


6. The Irish way - Now don’t be talking about yourself while you’re here. We’ll surely be doing that after you leave.


7. Irish Blessing - As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

8. Old Irish Curse - May those that love us love us, and those that don’t love us, may God turn their hearts. If He can’t turn their hearts, may He turn their ankles, so we’ll know them by their limping!


9. Irish diplomacy - the art of telling someone to go to hell in such a way they’ll look forward to the trip.


10. Try to say “Irish wristwatch”.

...

ENJOY!

Ladybbird...

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[Ladybbird]

Have you heard about the Irish boomerang?
It doesn't come back, it just sings sad songs about how much it wants to.....

[Ladybbird]

Mike wakes up at home with a huge hangover.

He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees are a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the bedside table.
He sits up in bed and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and ironed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless.

He takes the aspirins and sees a note on the table which says;

"Breakfast is on the stove, dear. I left early to go shopping. Love you!"

He goes to the kitchen and sure enough, there's a hot breakfast waiting for him, and also the morning newspaper. His son is sitting at the table, eating. Really curious by now, Mike asks;

"Son, what happened last night?" His son says;

"Well, Mam said you came home after 3 a.m, you stumbled in the door, threw up in the hallway, and passed out half-way up the stairs.

Confused, Mike asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mam dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you yelled;

"Leave me alone woman, I'm a married man"

[Ladybbird]

Our Favourite Jokes From Ireland's Favourite Comedian – Dave Allen

Irish Central Staff










Dave Allen was known as a master storyteller with a razor sharp wit. The Irish comic was renowned for his humourous anecdotes and jokes told while he was sitting on a tall stool with a whiskey glass in hand.


Born of July 6 1937, Allen was originally from Tallaght, Dublin. The ex-journalist turned TV personality captured the world’s hearts in the 1960s and 70s.

He was known as one of the most controversial comedians in the United Kingdom as he frequently highlighted political hypocrisy and demonstrated his disregard for religious authority. His delivery was dry and sophisticated but was backed up with razor sharp intelligence that cut through the absurdities of life and religion.

Allen died in 2005 but remains one of the world’s favourite Irish stand-ups.


Here are Some of Dave Allen’s Best Known Jokes and Stories:


Fathers and Daughters

There’s an interesting thing between parents. Fathers and daughters and mothers and sons. The girl will bring the boy home for you to meet and because you’ve talked in liberal terms all your life you have to kind of follow this through.

“Daddy, I’d like you to meet Paul.” Hello Paul. “Uggggg.” “Can I bring Paul in daddy?” Yeah, of course you can. “No, but can he stay here?” Yes of course you can, he can stay for dinner. “No I mean do you mind if he stays here?” What do you mean, stay here? “Ohh stays in the house.” Doesn’t he have a house of his own? Why does he have to live here? “Cause I’d like him to live here.” Well where is he going to stay? “He’ll stay with me.” What? In your room?

And that’s it. He’s in. And they take over. She loved Paul. Paul’s an a**ehole. I come down in the morning he’s drinking tea out of my cup. Reading my paper. Eating my food. And not only that he’s humping my daughter. And I’m out in the garden feeding her rabbit! What should be happening: she should be feeding me and he should be out in the garden with the rabbit.
Irish skill of giving directions

I suppose Ireland is the best place in the world for directions. People will say to you, “I wouldn’t start from here if I were you.”

I was driving to Wicklow town and outside Wicklow town there’s a kind of country road and I came to a cross road and there was one sign post and it had Wicklow on it and the other way was Wicklow. And there was a fella sitting there and I said does it make any difference? And he said, “Not to me it doesn’t.”


The Classic:

On my way to Limerick and I said to this fella do you know where this place is? And he said, “Ahh yes. Ahh yes. Ohh God yes. Now go down the road, straight down the road just follow your nose. Ahh keep going straight and you’ll see a turn on the right hand side. Now ignore that. And then there’s a second turn on the right hand side and ignore that one as well. There’s two, three, four, five. Five turns on the right hand side, ignore them. Then you see a house on the left hand side, turn left there. That’s where you want to go.”

And I said why did you tell me about all the right hand turns? Why didn’t you just say take the first on the left? And he said “Who’s giving these directions, me or you?”


Toast at a Wake "Here’s to Your Health"

A very important part of the Irish way of life is death. See if anybody else anywhere else in the world dies that’s the end of it. They’re dead. But in Ireland when somebody dies we lay them out and watch them for a couple of days.

It’s called a wake. And it’s great. It’s a party, a sendoff. The fella is laid out on the table and there’s drinking and dancing and all the food you can eat and all of your friends come from all over the place and they all stand around the wake table looking at you with a glass in their hands looking at you and they say, “Here’s to your health.”

The terrible thing about dying over in Ireland is you miss your own wake. It’s the best day of your life. You’ve paid for everything and you can’t join in. Mind you, if you did you’d be drinking on your own.
First day at school

First question they ask, what do you know about God?

I didn’t know anything about God, Who? “God!” Who’s God? “God, you do not know who God is? Sister! Sister! We have an Atheist here!” “Let me tell you little boy, God is, God was, and God always shall be…” What? “What he is!” What was that? “He is the father! He is the son! He is the holy ghost! He is 3 in 1.” “Do you understand?”

I’m four years of age, why wouldn’t I? Greatest Theological question in the world, three people in one… Where is he? “He is here!” Where? I can’t see him. “That doesn’t mean because you can’t see him he’s not here.” It doesn’t?

He’s in the cupboard? “He’s not in the cupboard! God doesn’t go into cupboards!” He’s under the stairs? “He’s not under the stairs! He is here, with us now. He’s upstairs. He’s downstairs. He’s outside. He’s inside. He’s everywhere.”

He’s a big bloke, why can’t I see him? And I’m asked “Do you love him?” I don’t know, I’ve never seen him. “God loves you and he wants your love, but if you do not give him your love he will cast you into everlasting flame.” What? “He will cast you into everlasting flame, have you ever burnt yourself? Yes I burnt myself on a candle. “What was it like?” It was sore. “Can you imagine that pain all over your body? That’s what will happen to you if you do not love God! What do you think of that?”

On "Skin"

Skin is actually quite an interesting subject. Do you know that we all shed skin? Did you know that? Did you know that each and every man, woman and child sheds skin. Over an hour each and every one of us sheds something like 10,000 minute scales of skin. Over a three day period we shed one total layer of skin.
This is fact. This is not made up. Did you know that 90% of the dust in the world is made up of dead human skin? How do you feel about that?
You think you’re dusting your house? You’re not you’re just moving your grandmother around.


Turning Grey

You can become grey because of various different reasons. It can be hereditary. A malfunction of the genes can cause greyness. Anemia causes greyness; lacking Vitamin B and Vitamin F causes greyness. Vast quantities of liquids, cause greyness.
Shock causes greyness. Terror, fear, shock, actually it’s been recorded that a man went from being totally black haired to totally white haired in something like seven minutes.
That’s an interesting thing, the body hair on my body, I’m going grey at the top of my head, but the rest of my body hair is black. My eyebrows are black. My beard is black. My hands are black. My legs, my chest is black. I noticed recently, I was having a bath, I noticed that I had my first white pubic hair.
Now what did he see that the others didn’t see? Can you imagine you’re one of those little hairs turning around to the other grey hair… “What did you see?” “I saw… I saw.. Ahhhh!” …Another one.....


The Demon Drink

An old drunk is on his way into a bar when a nun standing outside the bar suddenly speaks to him. “Your drinking is the easy road to evil and damnation. Drink will pollute your body and soul. Give up the foul spirits and live a better life!”
The drunk looks at her and asks, “How do you know that drinking is so bad for you?”
The nun looks puzzled and shrugs. The drunk asks, “Have you ever even tried a drink?” The nun admits she hasn’t, so the drunk tells her, “Listen, I’ll go into the bar and order myself a drink and I’ll get one for you too. I’ll bring it out here and you can taste it yourself and see that alcohol is nothing bad.”
The nun reluctantly agrees, but says, “I don’t want anybody out here getting the wrong idea about me, so would you mind bringing me the drink in a paper cup?”. The drunk agrees to this and goes inside. At the bar he tells the bartender “Give me a double shot of whiskey, and a second half shot in a paper cup.”
The bartender groans and says: “Is that bloody nun out there again?”

[Ladybbird]

Irish Humour & Sayings;


Six Irish men were playing poker when one of them played a bad hand and died...

The rest drew straws to see who would tell his wife. One man draws the shortest straw and goes to his friend’s house to tell the wife.

The man says to her, “Your husband lost some money in the poker game and is afraid to come home.”

The wife says, "Tell him to drop dead!" The man responds, "I'll go tell him."


What's the difference between God and Bono?

God doesn't wander around Dublin thinking he's Bono.


There are only three kinds of men who don’t understand women:

Young men, old men, and middle-aged men.


The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scots as a joke...

But the Scots haven’t got the joke yet.


The Irish way...

Now don't be talking about yourself while you're here. We'll surely be doing that after you leave.


Irish diplomacy -

The art of telling someone to go to hell in such a way they’ll look forward to the trip.



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[Ladybbird]

Father O'Malley looked out his window one morning and saw a jackass lying dead in the front garden.

He promptly called Sgt. Flaherty at the police station.

"This is Father O'Malley. There's a jackass lying dead in my front garden. Could you be sending a couple of your lads to see to the matter?"

"Well, now, Father, I thought you people always took care of the last rites."

"Aye, that's right. But we are obliged to notify the next of kin."....

[Ladybbird]

Six Irish men were playing poker when one of them played a bad hand and died...

The rest drew straws to see who would tell his wife.

One man draws the shortest straw and goes to his friend’s house to tell the wife.

The man says to her, “Your husband lost some money in the poker game and is afraid to come home.”

The wife says, "Tell him to drop dead!"

The man responds, "Aw be gorrah.. I'll go tell him." ...

[Ladybbird]

Have you heard about the Irish boomerang?
It doesn't come back, it just sings sad songs about how much it wants to.......Adh mor ort...

[Ladybbird]

There are only three kinds of men who don’t understand women:

Young men, old men, and middle-aged men....

SO TRUE...

[Ladybbird]

The Best Dumb Irish Jokes Ever – According to an Australian Site

Paddy shook his head. "Ah Mrs. McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the beer factory, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness stout and drowned."

Mrs. McMillen starts crying. "Oh don't tell me that, did he at least go quickly?"

Paddy shakes his head. "Not really – he got out 3 times to pee!"


2. An Irishman was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large mall's parking lot.

"Lord," he prayed, "I can't stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I'll give up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday."

Suddenly, the clouds parted and the sun shone on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man said, "Never mind, I found one."


3. Two paddies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it – why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.'"


4. What's the difference between God and TRUMP?

God doesn't wander around Dublin thinking he's TRUMP.


5. Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.

Paddy says, "Are you on foot or in the car?"

Billy says, "In the car."

Paddy says, "That's the quickest way."


6. Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and Paddy's got a bag of doughnuts in his hand.

Paddy says to Mick, "If you can guess how many doughnuts are in my bag, you can have them both"


7. A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".


8. An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"


9. Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"


10. Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go on a trip right now."



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[Ladybbird]

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