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Old 06-03-11, 00:37   #1
 
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Big Grin Irish Humour. (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)





Irish Jokes

All attributed to the Irish Forum






WHO SAYS MEN DON'T REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?" Do you remember when I met you and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car, making love?" "Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues... "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'" "I remember that too" she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I would have gotten out today."





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Old 06-03-11, 00:39   #2
 
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Mick wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees are a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the bedside table. He sits up in bed and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and ironed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless. He takes the aspirins and sees a note on the table which says "Breakfast is on the stove, dear. I left early to go shopping. Love you!" He goes to the kitchen and sure enough, there's a hot breakfast waiting for him, and also the morning newspaper. His son is sitting at the table, eating. Really curious by now, Mick asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, Mam said you came home after 3 a.m, you stumbled in the door, threw up in the hallway, and passed out half-way up the stairs. Confused, Mick asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh, that! Mam dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you yelled "Leave me alone woman, I'm a married man"
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Old 06-03-11, 00:41   #3
 
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Miss O'Leary, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The parish priest came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her little cottage. She invited him to have a seat while she made the tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the priest noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, an item the menfolk use to help prevent conception. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss O'Leary had lost her senses! When she returned with the tea and scones, they began to chat. The priest tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its unusual contents, but soon it got the better of him; he could resist no longer. Miss O'Leary," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (pointing to the bowl). "Oh, yes, Father," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking in the village last October and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter.
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Old 06-03-11, 00:43   #4
 
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A garda pulls over a speeding car. He says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Are you sure? I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control." As the garda writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the garda makes out the second ticket for the illegal use of a radar detector unit*, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman ,didn't I tell you to keep your mouth shut!" The garda frowns and says "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an on the spot 60 euro fine. "The driver says, "Well, you see sir, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." And as the garda is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??" The garda looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?" Smiling sweetly, she replies. Only when he's been drinking, sir."

*While it is legal to own a radar detector in the Republic of Ireland, it is actually illegal to use it.

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Old 06-03-11, 00:47   #5
 
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Have you heard about the Irish boomerang?
It doesn't come back, it just sings sad songs about how much it wants to.

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Old 06-03-11, 00:49   #6
 
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Adapted from The Good Clean Funnies List
The rich American couldn't undertand why the Irish angler was lying lazily beside his boat on the beach, smoking a pipe. "Why aren't you out fishing?" asked the American. "Because I have caught enough fish for the day," said the fisherman. "Why don't you catch some more?" "What would I do with them?" "You could sell them and make more money," was the American's reply. "With that you could have a motor fixed to your boat and go into deeper waters and catch more fish. Then you would make enough to buy nets. These would bring you more fish and more money. Soon you would have enough money to own two boats . . . maybe even a fleet of boats. Then you would be a rich man like me." "What would I do then?" asked the fisherman. "Then you could really enjoy life." said the American. "And what do you suppose I might be doing right now?" said the Irishman, smiling and puffing away on his pipe.

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Old 06-03-11, 00:50   #7
 
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Gayla
Sean was a mild-mannered man who was tired of being hen-pecked by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem and gave him a book on assertiveness. Sean read the book on the bus home. By the time he reached his house, he had finished it. He stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "Bridie, from now on, I want you to know that I am the man of the house, and my word is law! I want you to make my favourite boiled beef and cabbage for the meal tonight and when I'm finished with that, I expect my favourite whiskey cake for afters. Then, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with that, do you know who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The undertaker." says she.
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Old 06-03-11, 00:52   #8
 
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The rich American couldn't undertand why the Irish angler was lying lazily beside his boat on the beach, smoking a pipe. "Why aren't you out fishing?" asked the American. "Because I have caught enough fish for the day," said the fisherman. "Why don't you catch some more?" "What would I do with them?" "You could sell them and make more money," was the American's reply. "With that you could have a motor fixed to your boat and go into deeper waters and catch more fish. Then you would make enough to buy nets. These would bring you more fish and more money. Soon you would have enough money to own two boats . . . maybe even a fleet of boats. Then you would be a rich man like me." "What would I do then?" asked the fisherman. "Then you could really enjoy life." said the American. "And what do you suppose I might be doing right now?" said the Irishman, smiling and puffing away on his pipe.
Sean was a mild-mannered man who was tired of being hen-pecked by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem and gave him a book on assertiveness. Sean read the book on the bus home. By the time he reached his house, he had finished it. He stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "Bridie, from now on, I want you to know that I am the man of the house, and my word is law! I want you to make my favourite boiled beef and cabbage for the meal tonight and when I'm finished with that, I expect my favourite whiskey cake for afters. Then, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with that, do you know who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The undertaker." says she.
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Old 06-03-11, 00:53   #9
 
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After just a few years of marriage filled with constant bickering, the Kerry couple decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless. The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband,"Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!" The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
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Old 06-03-11, 00:56   #10
 
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Sean calls home to his wife and says, "Aiofe, I have been asked to go fishing on Lough Ree with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I'll stop by the house to pick them up. Oh, and, please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
Aiofe thinks this all sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, "Yes! Lot's of trout, some salmon, and a few pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
"I did, Sean; they're in your tackle box."

Aw Bejabbers, da luck of the Irish


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Old 06-03-11, 00:57   #11
 
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A woman goes to the post office to stock up on stamps. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 stamps please?
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The woman says, "God bless us, has it come to that? I'll have 18 Protestants, and 32 Catholics."
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Old 06-03-11, 00:58   #12
 
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An elderly Kerry couple is sitting together watching television. During one of 'those' commercials, the husband asked his wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?" After a long thoughtful silence (and during the next commercial), the wife replied, "You know, I don't know. I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year.
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Old 06-03-11, 01:01   #13
 
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Costigan from Cork was marooned on a desert island where he was looked after by a beautiful native girl. On the first night she gave him exotic drinks. On the second night she gave him the most delicious food. On the third night she said to him coyly "Would you like to play a little game with me?" "Don't tell me," he says, "you have hurling here as well?"

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Old 06-03-11, 01:02   #14
 
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One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the Cork Examiner. "This man," he announced, "Called in sick yesterday!" There on the sports page was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score. The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator."Jaysus," he said. "Think of the score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"
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Old 06-03-11, 01:03   #15
 
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Maureen's husband, Patrick, was a typical Irish male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house. Housework was woman's work! But one evening, Maureen arrived home to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished; something's up, she thought.
It turns out that Patrick had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and also had to do all the housework were too tired to make love.
The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Patrick even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening." "But what about afterward?" asked her friends. "Oh, that was perfect, too. Patrick was too tired!"
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Old 06-03-11, 01:06   #16
 
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A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream. The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."
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Old 06-03-11, 01:08   #17
 
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Mrs. O'Leary went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the new physicians. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out the door and ran screaming down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. O'Leary is 72 years old, she has seven grown children and ten grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
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Old 06-03-11, 07:59   #18
 
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lol... thats really good lady
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Old 06-03-11, 09:00   #19
 
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Well thank you BRONZ, thought we all needed a few laughs with all the hard work going on.
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Old 13-03-11, 19:11   #20
 
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Default re: Irish Humour. (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)






Costigan from Cork was marooned on a desert island where he was looked after by a beautiful native girl. On the first night she gave him exotic drinks. On the second night she gave him the most delicious food. On the third night she said to him coyly "Would you like to play a little game with me?" "Don't tell me," he says, "you have hurling here as well?"


.
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Old 13-03-11, 19:12   #21
 
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Default re: Irish Humour. (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)




One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the Cork Examiner. "This man," he announced, "Called in sick yesterday!" There on the sports page was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score. The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator."Jaysus," he said. "Think of the score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"
12A
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Old 13-03-11, 19:15   #22
 
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Default re: Irish Humour. (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)





A Kerry man went for a job at the local stables and the farmer said "Can you shoe horses?" The Kerry man thinks for a minute and then says "No,but I once told a donkey to get lost."
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Old 13-03-11, 19:16   #23
 
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Default re: Irish Humour. (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)




A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven. She asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big rummage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" "NO!" the children answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, cut the grass, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was, "NO!" By now the teacher was starting to smile - this was fun! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, they all answered, "NO!" Bursting with pride for them, the teacher continued: "So, how can I get into Heaven?" Five-year-old Sean shouted out, "YOU HAVE TO BE DEAD."
13


.
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Old 16-03-11, 20:40   #24
 
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Default re: Irish Humour. (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)

It was opening night at the theatre and The Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famous hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists, who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience. "The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off it's polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces! "S***"! yelled Claude. It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.

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Old 16-03-11, 20:47   #25
 
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Default re: Irish Humour. (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)



14


John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were fixing fish. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John - he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic." The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved. The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was sitting down to their fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet over at John's place to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."









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Old 22-04-11, 17:29   #26
 
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Default re: Irish Humour. (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)

2.


Mrs. O'Leary went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the new physicians. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out the door and ran screaming down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. O'Leary is 72 years old, she has seven grown children and ten grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
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Old 11-06-11, 04:01   #27
 
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Default re: Irish Humour. (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)




Have you heard about the Irish boomerang?
It doesn't come back, it just sings sad songs about how much it wants to.


.

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Old 11-06-11, 04:03   #28
 
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Default re: Irish Humour. (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)


Costigan from Cork was marooned on a desert island where he was looked after by a beautiful native girl. On the first night she gave him exotic drinks. On the second night she gave him the most delicious food. On the third night she said to him coyly "Would you like to play a little game with me?" "Don't tell me," he says, "you have hurling here as well?"

,
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Old 11-06-11, 04:04   #29
 
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Default re: Irish Humour. (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)

One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the Cork Examiner. "This man," he announced, "Called in sick yesterday!" There on the sports page was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score. The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator."Jaysus," he said. "Think of the score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"


,
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Old 11-06-11, 04:05   #30
 
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Default re: Irish Humour. (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)


A Kerry man went for a job at the local stables and the farmer said "Can you shoe horses?" The Kerry man thinks for a minute and then says "No,but I once told a donkey to get lost."

.

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Old 11-06-11, 04:06   #31
 
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Default re: Irish Humour. (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)


A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven. She asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big rummage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" "NO!" the children answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, cut the grass, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was, "NO!" By now the teacher was starting to smile - this was fun! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, they all answered, "NO!" Bursting with pride for them, the teacher continued: "So, how can I get into Heaven?" Five-year-old Sean shouted out, "YOU HAVE TO BE DEAD."

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Old 11-06-11, 04:07   #32
 
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Default re: Irish Humour. (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)


John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were fixing fish. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John - he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic." The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved. The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was sitting down to their fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet over at John's place to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."

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Old 11-06-11, 04:08   #33
 
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Default re: Irish Humour. (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)

A Kerryman was playing Trivial Pursuit. It was his turn. He rolled the dice and landed on "Science & Nature." His question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" He thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

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Old 11-06-11, 04:09   #34
 
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Default re: Irish Humour. (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)

When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church altar with my mother when she took communion. On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, "What does the priest say when he gives you the bread?" Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock many years later when he learned that the priest doesn't say, "Be quiet until you get to your seat."

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Old 11-06-11, 04:09   #35
 
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Default re: Irish Humour. (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)

Sean is walking through the park and notices an old lady sitting on a bench sobbing her eyes out. He stops and asks her what is wrong. She says, "I have a 22-year old husband at home. He kisses and cuddles me every morning and then gets up and makes me eggs, bacon, black pudding, toast and tea." Well then," Sean says, "Why are you crying?" She says, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and then kisses and cuddles me for half the afternoon." Perplexed, Sean says, "So, why are you crying?" She says, "For supper, he always makes me my favourite meal and then kisses and cuddles me until 2:00 a.m. Astonished by now, Sean says, "Why in the world would you be crying, then?" Says she, "I can't remember where I live!"
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Old 11-06-11, 04:14   #36
 
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Default re: Irish Humour. (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)

Irish Jokes: page 2




Sean goes into the pub and asks for three Guinness. He sits there and sips from the first one, then the second, and the third. He does this until finally all three pints are finished. He pays the bill and leaves. A couple of nights later he comes back and repeats the ritual. This goes on for a while and finally the bartender's curiosity gets the better of him and he asks why the three Guinness and why drink them all together the way he does. "Well, " says Sean, "My brother Michael is in the USA and my other brother Liam is in Australia. We can't meet in the pub and share a Guinness, so we have an agreement that whenever we go have a drink, we order three pints and pretend we're together." The bartender thinks to himself, "What a wonderful idea." A few months go by and one night Sean comes in and he orders two Guinness. The bartender is afraid to ask, but Sean seems fine, so finally the bartender says, "I see you've only ordered two Guinness tonight. Did something happen to one of your brothers?"No, no," says Sean, "They're both fit as a fiddle and healthy as horses!" "So why only the two Guinness?" asks the bartender. "Ah, well now," says Sean, "I've given up Guinness for Lent."



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Old 11-06-11, 04:15   #37
 
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Default re: Irish Humour. (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)

A surgeon and an architect, both English, were joined by an Irish politician, and all fell to arguing as to whose profession was the oldest. Said the surgeon, "Eve was made from Adam's rib, and that surely was a surgical operation." "Maybe," said the architect, "but prior to that, order was created out of chaos, and that was an architectural job." "Sure now," interrupted the politician, "but wasn't somebody after creating the chaos first?"


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Old 11-06-11, 04:15   #38
 
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Default re: Irish Humour. (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)


A pompous priest was seated next to an Irishman on a flight home.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for an Irish whiskey. The attendant placed the drink on his tray and then asked the priest if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust," I'd rather be savagely ravaged by brazen hussies than let alcohol touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said "Me
too. I didn't know we had a choice!"


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Old 11-06-11, 04:16   #39
 
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Default re: Irish Humour. (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)

Miss O'Leary, our lovely little old spinster from Leitrim makes a return visit this week. After Mass one Sunday, she went up to the priest and said, "I have to tell you Father, your sermons are a wonder to behold. Sure we didn't know what sin was till you came to the parish!"


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Old 11-06-11, 04:17   #40
 
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Default re: Irish Humour. (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)


The first priest says, "You know, since the warm weather started, I've been having trouble with mice in my church. I've tried everything - noise, cats, spray, nothing seems to scare them away." The second priest says, "My church, too. There are hundreds of them living in the cellar. I've set traps and even called in an expert exterminator. Nothing has worked so far." The third priest says, "I had the same problem. So I baptized them all and made them members of my parish. Haven't seen one of them since."


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Old 11-06-11, 04:17   #41
 
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Default re: Irish Humour. (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)

While impatiently waiting for a table in a restaurant, Miss O'Leary says to Mrs. Clancy, "If they weren't so crowded in here all the time, they'd do a lot more business."


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Old 11-06-11, 04:18   #42
 
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Default re: Irish Humour. (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)

A man walked into the lingerie department of Dunnes in Dublin and said to the woman behind the counter, "I'd like to buy a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B." What type of bra? asked the clerk. "Baptist" said the man. She said get a Baptist bra, and that you'd know what she meant." "Ah yes, now I remember" said the saleslady. "We don't sell many of those. Mostly our customers want the Catholic type, the Salvation Army type. or the Presbyterian type."Confused the man asked, "What's the difference between them?" The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple; the Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright. Then there's the Baptist type." "What does that do?" asked the man. She replied, "It makes mountains out of molehills."


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Old 11-06-11, 04:19   #43
 
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Default re: Irish Humour. (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)

The spring bank holiday was over and the teacher asked the class how they had spent the time. Kevin eagerly put up his hand. "We visited our cousins in Carrigaline!" "Well, Kevin," says the teacher, "that sounds like a brilliant vocabulary word - can you tell the class how to spell Carrigaline?" Kevin furrowed his brow, chewed on his lip, and then said with a big grin, "Em, well now, come to think of it, we went to Cork!"


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Old 11-06-11, 04:20   #44
 
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Default re: Irish Humour. (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly - he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 2:00AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman, saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the cupboard to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "That's a great idea!" he exclaims. "Good," she replies. "Get up and get your own blanket."



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Old 11-06-11, 04:20   #45
 
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Default re: Irish Humour. (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)

Two men walked into a pub late one afternoon and noticed that, among the few customers, was one individual sitting quietly at the end of the bar. The two ordered some beers. The bartender brought them and said, "that will be 50p please." They put it on the slate and a short time later ordered two more beers; again they were charged 25p each. The two could not believe the price and after having a third beer for the same amount, they decided to ask the bartender what the catch was. The bartender replied, "there is no catch, gentlemen. I have just started brewing this beer on the premises and I'm selling it below cost to introduce it to my customers. I'm happy to see you're enjoying it." Indeed, they noticed that almost everyone was enjoying the beer and the remarkable price except for the one man at the end of the bar. He had not ordered anything since the two came in. Becoming very curious about this individual, the two asked the bartender, "Doesn't he ever order anything?" "Oh yes," said the bartender. "That's Patrick Curran, our local accountant. He's waiting for happy hour."


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Old 11-06-11, 04:21   #46
 
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Default re: Irish Humour. (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)

An Irishman died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone in the universe has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's St. Patrick's. The hands have never moved, indicating that he never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Daniel O'Connell's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that he told only two lies in his entire life." "Where's Bertie Ahern's clock?" asked the man. "Bertie's clock is in God's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."


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Old 11-06-11, 04:22   #47
 
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Default re: Irish Humour. (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their domestic duties. The first man had married a woman from Italy and boasted that he had told his wife she was to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away. The second man had married a woman from France. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, all the dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a delicious dinner on the. table. The third man had married an Irish girl. He boasted that he told her his house was to be cleaned, the dishes washed, the cooking done and the laundry washed. And this was all entirely her responsibility. He said the first day he didn't see anything and the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye!


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Old 11-06-11, 04:23   #48
 
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Default re: Irish Humour. (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)

A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile. After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing. "Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?" "Ah, those ...Satan said with a groan. "They're all from Ireland. They're still too cold and damp to burn."


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Old 11-06-11, 04:24   #49
 
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Default re: Irish Humour. (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)

Mrs. O'Reilly returned home from a vacation to France where she had taken a cooking class. She tells her husband Paddy she is going to prepare him a special meal and he is to go down to Sean's Market and buy two dozen escargot, which she explains to Paddy are snails. Mrs. O'Reilly admonishes Paddy to come right home, no stops at the pub, because she wants to have escargot for dinner. Paddy buys the snails and is on his way home but alas, his route takes him right by his favorite pub. Just one he tells himself. Well, perhaps another he says after having the first pint. The company is good, the tales are tall, and Paddy finds himself having three or four. As Paddy heads home he realizes it has become dark and knows his lovely wife will be waiting and sharpening her tongue for him. As Paddy opens the gate to home the porch light comes on and he hears the door begin to open. Paddy empties the bag of escargot on the ground and says in a loud voice "Come on now lads! You're almost there."

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Old 11-06-11, 04:24   #50
 
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Default re: Irish Humour. (Joke of the Day- Grinn an Lae)

Miss O'Leary, our favorite ninety-year old, once again gives us fodder for a giggle.
The man from the window company called Miss O'Leary on the telephone. "Miss O'Leary, he says, you haven't made a single payment on your new windows. Is there something the matter?" Bristling with annoyance, Miss O'Leary replies. "I may be up in years, but I still have my wits about me. Wasn't your man after telling me those windows would pay for themselves in a year?"

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