One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...




The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.



When she asked me why, I replied,



"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"



And that's how the fight started.....



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I took my wife to a restaurant.



The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.



"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."



He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"



"Nah, she can order for herself."



And that's when the fight started.....

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.



I asked her, "Do you know him?"



"Yes", she sighed,



"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."



"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"



And then the fight started...

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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.



When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."



The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.


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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.



The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.



I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.



The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.



So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.



She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.



When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'



And then the fight started...

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I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!



The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!



He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'



So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'



That's how the fight started.