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Old 19-10-12, 12:58   #1
 
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Big Grin Joke of the Day

Your riding a horse at full speed, a giraffe is beside you, an elephant in front of you and a lion behind you! What do you do???

You get your drunk ass off of the carousel !!!
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Old 19-10-12, 18:24   #2
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Old 20-10-12, 11:30   #3
 
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Default Re: Joke of the Day

-------------- Needles Are Not Nice----------------

Bill and Bob, two children, were sitting outside a clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly.

"Why are you crying?" Bob asked.
"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill.

"So? Are you afraid?"
"No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.

As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.
Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "Why are you crying now?"

To which Bob replied, "I came for a urine test!"
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Old 22-10-12, 13:51   #4
 
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Default Re: Joke of the Day

Things To Know About Chuck Norris:

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a

DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
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Old 23-10-12, 15:43   #5
 
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Default Re: Joke of the Day

Mama Needs A New Pair of Shoes.


A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement.

Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Dang it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
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Old 25-10-12, 16:38   #6
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Default Re: Joke of the Day

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick.
It's great though. It provides me with everything I need -
KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."


Question - Are there too many immigrants in the US? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."


The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.


A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"


My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst.
So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.


I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
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Old 26-10-12, 13:04   #7
 
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Default Re: Joke of the Day

The Handy-Woman

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. How much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it? The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porsche, it's a Lexus."
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Old 27-10-12, 13:50   #8
 
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Default Re: Joke of the Day

Free Kisses

A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, "Free Kisses with Fill-Up."

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free kisses. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free kisses. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7.... sorry, no kisses this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free kisses. The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free kisses this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free kisses."
Bubba replied, " No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week.
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Old 29-11-12, 18:18   #9
 
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Big Grin Re: Joke of the Day

Three Government Contractors


Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C.; one from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, from Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that friends, is how it all works!
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Old 25-03-13, 12:37   #10
 
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Default Re: Joke of the Day

What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?

They're both empty from the neck up.
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