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Old 24-07-12, 19:15   #1
pop
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New Everything in Australia Kills you!

I just came across this blog about what people think of US (Australians) and found it rather funny......


Things in Australia That Will Kill You
posted 23 Jul 2012, 21:34
In my ongoing effort to piss off all of my friends in other countries (whom I secretly love and admire a great deal) today we switch our focus from the Brits and their ridiculous Matrix System to our Aussie friends and their incredibly dangerous and possibly fatal country...

Australia is a wonderful, beautiful island continent home to a peaceful, happy, and loving people... that Mother Nature hates so much she can taste stabbing.

Just The Facts

Australia is the largest island nation in the world, straddling the border of the Pacific and Indian Ocean.
It has a rich and exotic ecosystem supporting fantastic flora and fauna...all of which were unfortunately eaten by the monsters that live there.
Its primary spoken language is screaming.

From the Abyss It Is Birthed

Back in the 1770s the British Empire discovered Australia and, after finding it generally unfit for human habitation, proceeded to send all of their criminals and generally unwanted peasants there...because basic human empathy was not to be invented until the year 1821.
After somehow managing to survive on Monster Island for over a century, it was considered only fair to grant the Australian citizens their freedom and on January 1st, 1901, Australia gained federation of its colonies, and The Commonwealth of Australia was born.

Things in Australia that Will Kill You

Everything. No, seriously: Everything.
First there's the wildlife: If something appears to be cute and harmless in Australia, then we promise you - it has only evolved that way to lure you close enough for the thousands of ravenous, prehensile blade-tongues to descended upon you.
Then there's the Geography: Consisting mostly of arid, dry desert, (populated by over 100 venomous species of snake,) the harsh local climate is peppered with small, livable areas presumably just to lull human beings into a false sense of security.
Ah, but the tropical beaches, you say! Surely the paradise on Earth that is the Australian beach makes up for an entire continent of biological weapons. And it's true: Australia is known for having some of the best beaches in the world...all you have to worry about are the Saltwater Crocs, Great White Sharks, poisonous Stonefish, or being stung by the Box Jellyfish: The deadliest and most painful sting of any Jellyfish species in the world.
Your best bet is just to stay in the city then, right? Enjoy the local culture; go visit the capital of Canberra, or visit beautiful Sydney and see the wonder of the Opera house. And that's totally safe: Just remember to wear protective clothing, stay in well travelled areas, always know the nearest path to a hospital, and just generally try not to exist - because Australia is also home to over 280 species of poisonous spider, including that aforementioned Sydney Funnel Web Spider. What, did you think it was just a name? No, it lives in cities, in garages, in tool sheds and houses - it even swims. IT ****ING SWIMS.
Seriously: Everything in Australia evolved solely to kill everything else in Australia - and you show up with your soft, unarmored skin, tiny, rounded teeth, and ridiculously non-poisonous spit and expect a vacation?
You just walked into Mother Nature's Thunderdome, friend. And in this analogy, you're not Max; you're the dead retard.

Things in Australia that Will Not Kill You

Hugh Jackman seems nice.
Top Comments
13
SirSeedsAlot 23 Jul 2012, 22:01
not touching this one!!! I made a Mad Max joke and got spanked for it!!
9
DominicS 23 Jul 2012, 23:06
Of course Wiki is 100% accurate! You think Darius would edit a Wiki entry with his made up stuff? Like a place named "Australia" that is BOTH a country AND a continent?!? I mean c'mon on, if you can't trust the stuff you read on the internet, what's next? Is KAT staff gonna start lying about returning rep points?titter
7
MrsJackson 23 Jul 2012, 22:25
ahhhh laughing so hard it makes me cry
All Comments
0
fou_rhan 24 July 2012, 17:39
Funny!
I have this girlfriend who wants to go work in Australia for a year, problem is she's afraid of insects (not to mention spiders, snakes, and mutant kangaroos....)
I already told her she was gonna have a hard time there, but she wouldn't believe me!
Not sure I should show her this blog or not.....
0
jazzykat 24 July 2012, 17:21
I heard there are huge toads in Australia is this true ? i googled this pic ..
imagewhat a wopper !!
We have had lots of frogs lately in the UK because we've had so much rain and i dislike them ,but toads are much bigger less likeable ...
1
CaptainChronic_912 24 July 2012, 17:58
You have got to be kidding me shocked
0
jazzykat 9 min. ago
Its huge lollol
0
BenjaminSwift 24 July 2012, 16:51
centipedes = filth
0
Cannybearsed 24 July 2012, 16:18
It's funny how you never meet girls called Sheila, or Barbara at an Australian barbeque.. I think they must all run away when some drunken Aussie bloke says "Let's throw a sheila on the barbie!"...lol
2
Leathalscope 24 July 2012, 13:06
Lived in australia all my life and nothing killed me yet. been bitten by red-back spider a couple time, they made me pretty sick for a few days, had a sydney funnel-web living in my kitchen for a while(i fed him flies and he was happy enough to leave us alone)and i was heartbroken when i found him dead in his webcry. had a couple run-ins with a few snakes that coulda ended me but thankfully never got bit.
0
Android26 24 July 2012, 15:05
good for yah man good for yah! lollollollol
1
DaCreAtOrS 24 July 2012, 12:27
to give our troll some competition: lol

Ahhh....Australia or "British America" more commonly pronounced "Ostralyuh", or "Horstrayllia"...The Great Southern Land, Bogan Land,Ozi, Down Under, The Sunburnt Country, the better version of New Zealand, Terra Australis, Oz or (Terra australaeionesia cowardiana), quite the happy continent, is a Commonwealth country known mostly by foreigners as Great Britain with a less fruity accent and sun in the sky you can actually see. It is also called "Oz" for short, or "Down under", after a popular position among geese rapists. The name "Australia" originates from the Aboriginal word "Walla'borongamala" meaning "where the bloody hell am I?"


but australia is beautiful!!biggrin
2
-budd- 24 July 2012, 10:26
17 18 19 20
3
-budd- 24 July 2012, 10:27
taking the kangaroo shopping
3
rockster 24 July 2012, 10:36
I usually tie mine up out the front
5
sooki100 24 July 2012, 10:15
Hugh Jackman is from australia ????never knew that until now
4
rockster 24 July 2012, 10:34
really?? the Australian accent and being in the movie Australia wasn't a give awaytitter
4
sooki100 24 July 2012, 11:50
hey come onhuffygive me a break
2
rockster 24 July 2012, 11:54
lol
2
Leathalscope 24 July 2012, 13:00
thats cause we disowned him a few years back when he was a chick flick star. but then he made movies like Van Helsing, x-men origins-Wolverine, Real Steal and the upcoming movie Rise of the Guardians and he was back in. since then he has been generally accepted, unlike the australian wannabe Russell Crowe who even bought one of our rugby teams-The sydney rabbitos(he's a bloody kiwi for christ sake)
4
rndmfrd222 24 July 2012, 10:04
Love the blog and 100% agree.
"Things in Australia that Will Kill You
Everything. No, seriously: Everything."
oh so true lol
But i still love Australia
5
big g 64 24 July 2012, 09:58
i like to watch Assie wildlife documentaries on tv where it's safe. Great blogwink
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Old 29-07-12, 09:35   #2
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Default Re: Everything in Australia Kills you!

Here in the states we're lucky, a couple of spiders to worry about, some scorpions, 4 main species of poisonous snakes is about it.

Thanks for the chuckle.
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Old 20-08-12, 07:02   #3
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Default Re: Everything in Australia Kills you!

Yes Australia is a Beautiful Country that will keep you on your toes.
It is good though that we don't have that many Serial Killers over here.
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