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Old 18-10-17, 05:43   #1
 
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Big Grin Irish Jokes to Make You Laugh

Silly Irish Jokes to Make You Laugh

IrishCentral Staff





These silly jokes are guaranteed to make you laugh...against all your better judgement. iStock


1. Six Irish men were playing poker when one of them played a bad hand and died.
The rest drew straws to see who would tell his wife. One man draws the shortest straw and goes to his friend’s house to tell the wife.
The man says to her, “Your husband lost some money in the poker game and is afraid to come home.”
The wife says, “Tell him to drop dead!” The man responds, “I’ll go tell him.”

2. What's the difference between God and Bono? God doesn't wander around Dublin thinking he's Bono.





3. There are only three kinds of men who don’t understand women: young men, old men, and middle-aged men. (Irish saying)

4. Never iron a four-leaf clover. You don’t want to press your luck.





5. The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scots as a joke, but the Scots haven’t got the joke yet.

6. The Irish way - Now don’t be talking about yourself while you’re here. We’ll surely be doing that after you leave.





7. Irish Blessing - As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

8. Old Irish Curse - May those that love us love us, and those that don’t love us, may God turn their hearts. If He can’t turn their hearts, may He turn their ankles, so we’ll know them by their limping!





9. Irish diplomacy - the art of telling someone to go to hell in such a way they’ll look forward to the trip.

10. Try to say “Irish wristwatch”.


MORE;

1. One night, Mrs. McMillen answers the door to see her husband’s best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep.

"Hello Paddy, but where is my husband? He went with you to the beer factory"

Paddy shook his head. "Ah Mrs. McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the beer factory, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness stout and drowned."

Mrs. McMillen starts crying. "Oh don't tell me that, did he at least go quickly?"

Paddy shakes his head. "Not really – he got out 3 times to pee!"


2. An Irishman was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large mall's parking lot.

"Lord," he prayed, "I can't stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I'll give up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday."

Suddenly, the clouds parted and the sun shone on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man said, "Never mind, I found one."


3. Two paddies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it – why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.'"


4. Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.

Paddy says, "Are you on foot or in the car?"

Billy says, "In the car."

Paddy says, "That's the quickest way."


5. Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and Paddy's got a bag of doughnuts in his hand.

Paddy says to Mick, "If you can guess how many doughnuts are in my bag, you can have them both"


6. A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".


7. Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"


8. A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".


9. Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go on a trip right now."
.
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