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Old 19-09-11, 14:18   #1
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Cool Collection Of Jokes

Do you get lots of annoying calls from telemarketers?

Don't get upset about it! Use the opportunity to get a laugh!


*******

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.


*******

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Alternately, you can tell them, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."

When they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your problems.


*******

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name.

Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.


*******

4. If they are selling a lawn service to make your grass grow better, tell them it grows to fast now and green is not your favorite color anyway.


*******

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.


*******

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak.

This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.


*******

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"


*******

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?


*******

9. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you.

When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.


*******

10. Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.


*******

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream "Oh No!" and then hang up.


*******

12. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.


*******

13. Tell them it is dinnertime, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure.

Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.


*******

14. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some food.


*******

15. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.


*******

16. Ask the telemarketer if they use the product they are trying to sell.

If they do, ask for a complete report. If they don't, ask them why not since it is such a great product.


*******

17. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke.

"Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"


*******

18. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up ...louder...louder...louder...


*******

19. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.


*******

20. Tell them that you are busy and ask for their phone number so you can call them back.

If they say that they don't give out their phone number or they don't take calls, then ask for the caller's personal phone number at home.

If then they say that they don't like being called at home, quickly say "Bingo!" and hang up.

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Old 19-09-11, 14:20   #2
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Default Re: Collection Of Jokes

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest.
When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop.
Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal.
Whenever he walks into a room, people say "Your Eminence."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'4", hard bodied, well endowed, male stripper.
Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God."
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Old 19-09-11, 14:31   #3
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Default Re: Collection Of Jokes

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they...
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;
(7) don't smoke or drink,
(8) don't want to wear your clothes,
(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college
and
(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children
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Old 19-09-11, 14:33   #4
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Default Re: Collection Of Jokes

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
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Old 19-09-11, 14:34   #5
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Default Re: Collection Of Jokes

A guy who went into the adult section of a department store to buy
Condoms. The female clerk told him, "We have the rainbow assortment on
sale today, would you like those?" The guy said, "Good, I'll take a
box."

A few months later, he went into the women's clothing section and saw
that this same female clerk was transferred into the maternity
Section.

The guy said, "I'd like to buy a maternity blouse."

The clerk asked, "What bust?"

To which he replied, "One of the goddamn blue ones!!"
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Old 19-09-11, 14:37   #6
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Default Re: Collection Of Jokes

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE IF YOU'RE OLD

George Phillips age 82 of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed, when
his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she
could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn
off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?'

He said 'No.'
Then they said 'All patrols were busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be
along when one is available.'

George said, 'Okay'. He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again. 'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people
stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them.' and hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, 'I thought you said that you shot them!'

George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'

(True Story)
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Old 19-09-11, 14:38   #7
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Default Re: Collection Of Jokes

An Arizona couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse. .'



He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.


The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row.

The couple makes an appointment, has the intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'


The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.

She lives with her daughter and gandchildren; so we can't go to her house.

I live at the personal care home; and we can't go there.

The Holiday Inn charges $98.

The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and
Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.
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Old 19-09-11, 14:41   #8
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Default Re: Collection Of Jokes

WHY MEN ARE NEVER STRESSED!!

Men Are Just Happier People--
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.
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Old 19-09-11, 22:56   #9
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Default Re: Collection Of Jokes

Brilliant, they all brought a smile
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Old 25-09-11, 13:32   #10
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Default Re: Collection Of Jokes

Things that hallmark cards don't say

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.

Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"

Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?

I've always wanted to have someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.

I must admit,
you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

As the days go by,
I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.

Happy Birthday,
Uncle Dad! (Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia )

Happy birthday!
You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.

We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?
I'm so miserable without you it's almost like you're here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

Your friends and I wanted to do something
special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.

So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay
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Old 25-09-11, 13:33   #11
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Default Re: Collection Of Jokes

3 women from somewhere in the deep south

Joke is best told in deep accents!!! 3 women from somewhere in the deep south are
sitting on a veranda talking about their husbands' performance in bed.

The first woman says (in deep southern accent)
Ah call mah husband pi-ston. Cos when hes on top of me, hes up and down like a pi-ston !

The second woman says Ah call mah husband rahm-rod! Cos hes big and hard just like a rahm-rod!

The third woman says Ah call mah husband dram-buey....

the other 2 reply Dram-buey? Aint that some fancy liquor

Third woman - uh huh!
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Old 25-09-11, 13:35   #12
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Secretary's Surprise!
Why I fired my secretary



Why I fired my secretary . . . Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me - my treat!" I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the nicest thing I've heard all day. We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's late in the day and it's so beautiful out... we don't really need to go back to the office, do we?" I responded, "I guess not. What'd you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my place." After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Make yourself comfortable Boss... if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment but I'll be right back". "Okay" I said, rather nervously, "I'll be right here, waiting for you". She went into the bedroom and after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... followed by my wife and kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all wearing party hats, singing "Happy Birthday" to me... And I was so shocked, I didn't know what to do,,,,,,,,,,,,

So I just sat there... on the couch... completely naked.
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Old 25-09-11, 13:41   #13
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Default Re: Collection Of Jokes

Fairytale

This is the fairy tale that should have been
read to us when we were little boys and girls:



Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess
happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an
unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back
into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up
housekeeping in my castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my
clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. "

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in
a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself:
I don't f**kin' think so.
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Old 25-09-11, 13:43   #14
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Default Re: Collection Of Jokes

OH MAN I'M TIRED!

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. -
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills, and balanced the check book.

He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then it was already 1P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and Mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:

"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:

"My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months though. You got pregnant last night."
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