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Old 17-09-16, 05:57   #1
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New Zealand Just a few Jokes

Quote:
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again.
So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

"I kicked her in the face."
Quote:
The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words.
She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable.

"Jane, do you know any multi-syllable words?" After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday.
"Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon-day. Does anyone know another word?"

Johnny from the back of the room yells "I do! I do!" Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humour she picks Mike instead.
"OK Mike, what is your word". "Saturday" says Mike. "Great. Sat-ur-day. That has three syllables..."

Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!"
Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says "OK Johnny what is your four syllable word?"

Johnny proudly says "Mast-ur-ba-tion". Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says "Wow, Johnny. Four syllables!
That's certainly is a mouthful". "No Ma'am, you're thinking of 'blowjob', and that's only two syllables".
Quote:
A Yorkshireman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.
He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs,
"That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Wakefield lad .."
Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.. The bartender says,
"Say, you're the father of that typical Yorkshire baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you?
Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.... so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened?" "He was 25 pounds the day he was born."
The father takes a slow swig of his Pint, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
"Had him circumcised."
Quote:
Kids say the darnest things don't they!
I was taking my friends daughter who's only 7 home today when a stretch limo overtook us with what looked like a hen party aboard.

All of a sudden a rubber dildo was thrown from the limo smacked straight into the windscreen and bounced over the car.
Quickly thinking I said wow did you see that fly hit the window?

The reply back was, I'm surprised it could fly with a **** that size
Quote:
A stockboy is stacking fruit on a display, when a lady asks "Do you have any potatoes? "
The stockboy replies "Sorry ma'am, we are out of potatoes, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning"
The lady looks around some more. A few mins later she runs back to him asking where the potatoes are.
The stockboy confused about her mental state simply tells her "Sorry ma'am, we are out of potatoes,
but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning"
The lady looks around some more then goes back to the same stockboy and asks "Where the hell do you keep the potatoes,
I need some potatoes right now!"
The stockboy, getting frustrated with his inability to explain the situation,
tells the lady "Answers a couple of questions and I will get you your potatoes from the back."
The lady agrees and the man starts the questions.
"Spell cat for me, as in catastrophe " she says Ok, "C A T". "Very good!" the stockboy says, "now spell dog, as in dogmatic. "
The lady getting frustrated spells it correct. Now the employee finally asks "now spell, ****, as in potatoes. "
She replies "There is no **** in potatoes?"
To which the stockboy replies "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO ****ING TELL YOU THE WHOLE ****ING TIME!"
Quote:
Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner.
When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station.

The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn't even a sofa.
So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife.

No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife taped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her.

"I couldn't do that" he whispered. "Your husband is my best friend!"
"Listen, sugar" she whispered back "there ain't nothing in the whole wide world could wake him up now".

"I can't believe that" Charlie said. "Certainly if I get on top of you and screw you, he'll wake up won't he?"
"Sugar, he certainly won't. If you don't believe me, pluck a hair out of his asshole and see if that wakes him".

Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep.
So he climbed over to the wife's side of the bed and ****ed her.

When he finished, he climbed back to his own side.
It wasn't long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again.
Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep.
This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman,
he first pulled out one of the husband's asshole hairs.

The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered:
"Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don't mind you ****ing my wife, but for Pete's sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!"
Quote:
A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch.
The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mum" the boy asks "What's a pussy?"

The mother being startled by this thinks quickly and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says
"Son, that is a pussy".

The son then asks "What's a bitch?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a bitch".

The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television.
The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pussy?"
The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centrefold,
grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!"

The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a bitch?"

The dad replies "That's everything outside the circle!"
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Old 21-10-16, 12:50   #2
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New Zealand Re: Just a few Jokes

Just a few more Jokes
Quote:
Three toronto surgeons were playing golf together and discussing difficult surgeries they had performed over the years.

One of them said, "i'm the best surgeon in toronto. In my favourite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident;

i reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the queen of england."

the second surgeon said, "that's nothing.... A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident; i reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in track and field events in the olympics"

the third surgeon said, "you guys are amateurs...several years ago a man was high on cocaine and marijuana and he rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour... All i had left to work with was the man's blonde hair and the horse's ass...

I was able to put them together and now ……………………he's running for president of the U.S.A!
Quote:
A woman had been on the game for 4 years
she was worried about the size of her fanny on her wedding night
so she decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence.
After an hour in bed with her he said
"How far across the field were you before you realised it was caught?"
Quote:
A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States .."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded,” I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
Quote:
A guy, on his wedding night is about to get it on with his newly wed for the first time in their hotel.
They start to undress and he says, "God, I never realized that your tits were this small."
The wife gets all upset and understandably throws him out.
While he is sitting in the hall another guy comes out down the hall. The first man said, "Hey, What happened?"
"Well, I saw my wife naked for the first time tonight and all I said was, 'Oh I never knew your arse was that big.' and she just threw me out just like that.
Just then a third guy also on his wedding night like the first two guys, comes storming out into the hall.
"Hey, did you put your foot in it as well?" ask the two men already outside.
"No," says the third guy, "but I bloody well could have."
Quote:
A New South Wales bus company says it will withdraw an advertising campaign because of some female complaints.
It shows an attractive semi-naked woman on the back of buses holding a billboard which reads: "Ride me all day for $7.50".
The complaints came from local prostitutes claiming the advert was misleading as it depicted an unrealistic level of attractiveness and undercut their price by 25%
Quote:
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"
The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles."
The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served.
Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking. "You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"
The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."
Quote:
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many glances from her, he said "Its golf balls".
The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Quote:
The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.
They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, do they have golf courses, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.
The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another...

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.
He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a
quarter-inch thick.
'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.
'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'
'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'
'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite
impressively long.
'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'
'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his
member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely
exciting to the woman.
'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate
ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any good?'
'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'
'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache ... She kept
slapping my forehead and pulling my ears..'
Quote:
Each generation probably thinks it's the funniest, and sure enough the people of the past can't get up and speak for themselves, so they'll just let their tombstones do the humoring, because there are Some fascinating things on old tombstones!

=============================

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:

Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the
car was on the way down. It was.

=============================

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:

Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up
and no place to go.

=============================

On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in
East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:

Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.
Only the good die young.

=============================

In a London, England cemetery:

Here lies Ann Mann, who lived an old maid
but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767

=============================

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery: Anna Wallace

The children of Israel wanted bread,
and the Lord sent them manna.
Clark Wallace wanted a wife,
and the Devil sent him Anna.

===============================

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:

Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon him for not rising.

===============================

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake,
stepped on the gas instead of the brake.

==============================

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:

Here lays The Kid, we planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger, but slow on the draw.

================================

A lawyer's epitaph in England:

Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer, and that is Strange.

=================================

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:

Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.

==================================

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:

On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.

==================================

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls ,Vermont:

Here lies the body of our Anna,
done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
but the skin of the thing that made her go.

==================================

On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:

Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod,
Pease shelled out and went to God.

==================================

In a cemetery in England:

Remember man, as you walk by,
as you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so shall you be,
remember this and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent,
until I know which way you went.
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Old 03-11-16, 11:15   #3
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New Zealand Re: Just a few Jokes

Just a Few More Jokes

Quote:
In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin". Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: "Returned unopened".
Quote:
I'm about three years into my relationship now and I've started to have erection difficulties. My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the problem is: she bought me some Viagra and I bought her a treadmill.
Quote:
Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks "Dad, what's love juice?" Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex. Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement. Dad says "So what were you watching?" Billy says "Wimbledon".
Quote:
There was once this guy who liked to travel from pub to pub across the countryside. One day, he came up to a pub he had never heard of. He went inside and sat at the bar.
"What'll it be?" asked the bartender. "A beer thanks, but what's that jar?" he said pointing up to a jar on the top shelve. "Well, anyone who can drink it wins the collected prize money, which stands at around $80 right now" said the bartender. "What's in it?" the man asked. "Used to be a spittoon, everyone spat in the thing as a joke and now were looking for a brave man".
The man looked around at all the people watching attentively "No that's a bit much for me I think". Then suddenly people from in the pub started betting money on it. "Come on! Give it a go!" said people from the bar. Before the man knew it the bet had gone up to $500! The bartender brought the jar down from its shelf. People by then were yelling and chanting for the guy to do it.
Then with consideration "I'll drink it!" said the man. Screams of encouragement came from all around. He unscrewed the top of the jar and picked it up off the bar. Everyone in the pub fell silent. The man lifted it to his mouth and started drinking it. The sight was horrible! People everywhere were looking at him drinking all the phlegm and couldn't believe it.
"Stop, its making me feel ill!" said one of the people in the bar. Then other people started yelling out, begging the man to stop, but he didn't! "Don't worry about the money, we'll give it all to you! Just stop drinking it!!" came from the audience of patrons.
But he didn't stop!
Finally, he had finished it, and dropped the jar onto the floor. People in the pub were vomiting and dizzy. One then came up to the man "Why didn't you stop!? I said we would give you the money!" The man, green in the face looked up and said "I couldn't... it was all one piece!"
Quote:
Some we have seen but others might raise a smile...

1. Now on sale at IKEA - beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing
involved, it's all tongue and groove.
2. A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related.
3. Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.
4. I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest but explaining they were not a dating agency.
5. The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was raped by the gay genie on stage last night - to be fair the audience did try to warn him.
6. Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary).
7. Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker.
8. Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!
9. Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area so I've called him Bradford.
10. If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's Spam.
11. They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly.
12. When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau
Quote:
GOOD SOUND MEDICAL ADVICE :-
1. F***ing once a week is good for your health,
but it’s harmful if done every day.
2. F***ing relaxes your mind & body.
3. F***ing refreshes you.
4. After F***ing don’t eat too much;
go for more liquids.
5. Try F***ing in bed cause it can
save you valuable energy.
6. F***ing can even reduce
your cholesterol levels.
SO, REMEMBER,
***FASTING*** Is Good For Health.
AND
May The Good Lord Cleanse Your Dirty Mind, You Pervert.
Quote:
Last Halloween I shouted through to the wife.
"Honey there's a witch at the door what shall I do?"
She replied, "Just give it some sweets and tell it to FLICK OFF."
My mother-in-law hasn't spoken to me since !!!
Quote:
Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby
"Is this yours?" she asked.
"Probably." said Paddy "She burns everything else!"
Quote:
A Polish immigrant goes to Specsavers for an eye test.
The optician shows him a board with the letters CZWIXNOSTACZ on it and says,
"Can you read that?" "Read it," says the Pole, "I ****ing know the twat!"
Quote:
It must be time for me to check my credit card statement.
The wife just offered me a blowjob.
Quote:
I sent my girlfriend out to buy a dominatrix outfit....
She came back with a wedding dress...
Quote:
The missus is wearing one of those skirts where you can just see the edge of her bum poking out.
I'd probably find it sexy if the skirt wasn't knee length.
Quote:
The missus come out wearing just a skirt and a TeeShirt. She asked if I liked her UnderBoobs. I would have said yes if it was not for the fact that she was wearing a normal sized TeeShirt.
Quote:
My wife said she was thinking about Buying a Mini...??
I said, "You'll never get your ****ing big, fat arse into one of those".
She said, "Not a Skirt, I meant the Car, you cheeky bastard".
"So did I". I replied.
Quote:
I just realised that today it is 4 years since I last spoke to my wife .
Oh , it's not that we have fallen out , I am just too polite to interrupt !
Quote:
A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.... 'I'd like to buy a horth' he says.
What sort of horse?', said the owner.
'A female horth,' the owner shows him a mare.
'Nithe horth,' says the dwarf, 'can I thee her eyth?" The owner picks him up shows the eyes.
'Nith eyth', says the dwarf, 'can I thee her teeth?' The owner picks him up shows the teeth.
'Nith teeth,' he says 'now can I see her twot?'
The owner picks him up and shoves his head deep inside the horses vagina, pulls him out. The dwarf shakes his head and says
'Perhaps I should weefwaze that... 'Can I see her wun awound?.
Quote:
I walked in last night to find a paramedic crouching over my wife.
"Get your lips off my wife," I snapped pulling him off her.
"But sir, I'm not kissing her!" He pleaded "She's stopped breathing."
"Do I need to repeat myself?" I replied..
Quote:
A mother in law said too her sons wife " I don't mean to be rude but the baby doesn't look like my son "
The wife then lifted up her skirt and said " I don't mean to be rude either but it's a Fanny not a photocopier"
Quote:
I was so drunk last night when I got to the bottom
of the stairs I took off my shoes, coat, top, trousers and underwear.
I crept upstairs very quietly.........It was only when I got to the
top of the stairs I realized I was on a ****ing bus!!!
Quote:
Paddy went for an interview for a Blacksmith's Job.
The Blacksmith said, "Paddy, have you ever Shoed a Horse before"...??

Paddy said "No, but I once told a Donkey to **** off"...
Quote:
I went to the Doctors today complaining of strange voices coming from my Boxers Shorts.

The Doctor said, " Ignore them, they're Talking Bollocks"...
Quote:
We were that so poor when I was young.
At Xmas if you didn't wake up with an erection, you'd have nothing to play with..
Quote:
My wife brought home a tub of ice-cream and asked if I wanted some.
"How hard is it?" I asked.
She cheekily replied, "As hard as your dick when you're thinking about me naked!".
I said "Go on then, pour me a glass!!..
Quote:
Said to the wife this morning
"I'm cycling to work love"
I go 2 get my bike out of the shed and realise its pissin down!
I think **** it, get back into bed for extra twenty mins and decide to slip the mrs one from behind.
She moans and starts waking up.
So I say
"Its pissin down out there!"
She replies
"I know, And that stupid bastards cycling to work!"..
Quote:
Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates where St.Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph."
Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"
St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."
Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew,
he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"
"Not bad," replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."
"Never," said Ralph.
"Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It's no big deal."
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout,
"Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're ****ting in the bed!"
Quote:
"Give it to me!"*she yelled "I'm so ****ing wet! Give it to me now!"*She could scream all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella.
Quote:
A man and a wife were in bed one morning when the wife said "I had a strange dream last night. I dreamed I was at a penis auction.
Long penises were going for $100 and thick penises were going for $300". The husband asked "What would mine go for?"
The wife replied "They were giving ones like yours away for free".
The husband said "I also had a dream last night about an auction where they were selling juicy vaginas for $500 and tight vaginas for $1,000". "How about mine?" the wife asked and the husband replied
"That was where they were holding the auction".
Quote:
During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness. After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was, err, 'female juices'.
"But you're balder than I am" protested the customer.
"True" admitted the barber "but you've gotta admit I've got one hell of a moustache!"
Quote:
An old man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?" "Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?"
he asks again. "Listen you! I'm not that kind of woman! Got it!!"
So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again "Would you let me bite your breasts -just once- for $10,000?!"
She thinks about it for a while and says "Hmmm $10,000... okay just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there".
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them!
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?" "Nah" says the little old man... "too expensive!"
Quote:
Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife paused for a moment before replying "Probably the ****ing funeral director would be my guess".
Many Thanks to Original UpLoader
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