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SUPER Investigative MODERATOR
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Melbourne Victoria Australia
Posts: 5,235
Thanks: 5,398
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Re: Just a few Jokes
Just a Few More Jokes
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In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin". Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: "Returned unopened".
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I'm about three years into my relationship now and I've started to have erection difficulties. My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the problem is: she bought me some Viagra and I bought her a treadmill.
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Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks "Dad, what's love juice?" Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex. Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement. Dad says "So what were you watching?" Billy says "Wimbledon".
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There was once this guy who liked to travel from pub to pub across the countryside. One day, he came up to a pub he had never heard of. He went inside and sat at the bar.
"What'll it be?" asked the bartender. "A beer thanks, but what's that jar?" he said pointing up to a jar on the top shelve. "Well, anyone who can drink it wins the collected prize money, which stands at around $80 right now" said the bartender. "What's in it?" the man asked. "Used to be a spittoon, everyone spat in the thing as a joke and now were looking for a brave man".
The man looked around at all the people watching attentively "No that's a bit much for me I think". Then suddenly people from in the pub started betting money on it. "Come on! Give it a go!" said people from the bar. Before the man knew it the bet had gone up to $500! The bartender brought the jar down from its shelf. People by then were yelling and chanting for the guy to do it.
Then with consideration "I'll drink it!" said the man. Screams of encouragement came from all around. He unscrewed the top of the jar and picked it up off the bar. Everyone in the pub fell silent. The man lifted it to his mouth and started drinking it. The sight was horrible! People everywhere were looking at him drinking all the phlegm and couldn't believe it.
"Stop, its making me feel ill!" said one of the people in the bar. Then other people started yelling out, begging the man to stop, but he didn't! "Don't worry about the money, we'll give it all to you! Just stop drinking it!!" came from the audience of patrons.
But he didn't stop!
Finally, he had finished it, and dropped the jar onto the floor. People in the pub were vomiting and dizzy. One then came up to the man "Why didn't you stop!? I said we would give you the money!" The man, green in the face looked up and said "I couldn't... it was all one piece!"
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Some we have seen but others might raise a smile...
1. Now on sale at IKEA - beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove.
2. A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related.
3. Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.
4. I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest but explaining they were not a dating agency.
5. The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was raped by the gay genie on stage last night - to be fair the audience did try to warn him.
6. Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary).
7. Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker.
8. Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!
9. Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area so I've called him Bradford.
10. If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's Spam.
11. They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly.
12. When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau
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GOOD SOUND MEDICAL ADVICE :-
1. F***ing once a week is good for your health,
but it’s harmful if done every day.
2. F***ing relaxes your mind & body.
3. F***ing refreshes you.
4. After F***ing don’t eat too much;
go for more liquids.
5. Try F***ing in bed cause it can
save you valuable energy.
6. F***ing can even reduce
your cholesterol levels.
SO, REMEMBER,
***FASTING*** Is Good For Health.
AND
May The Good Lord Cleanse Your Dirty Mind, You Pervert. 
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Last Halloween I shouted through to the wife.
"Honey there's a witch at the door what shall I do?"
She replied, "Just give it some sweets and tell it to FLICK OFF."
My mother-in-law hasn't spoken to me since !!!
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Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby
"Is this yours?" she asked.
"Probably." said Paddy "She burns everything else!"
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A Polish immigrant goes to Specsavers for an eye test.
The optician shows him a board with the letters CZWIXNOSTACZ on it and says,
"Can you read that?" "Read it," says the Pole, "I ****ing know the twat!"
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It must be time for me to check my credit card statement.
The wife just offered me a blowjob.
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I sent my girlfriend out to buy a dominatrix outfit....
She came back with a wedding dress...
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The missus is wearing one of those skirts where you can just see the edge of her bum poking out.
I'd probably find it sexy if the skirt wasn't knee length.
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The missus come out wearing just a skirt and a TeeShirt. She asked if I liked her UnderBoobs. I would have said yes if it was not for the fact that she was wearing a normal sized TeeShirt.
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My wife said she was thinking about Buying a Mini...??
I said, "You'll never get your ****ing big, fat arse into one of those".
She said, "Not a Skirt, I meant the Car, you cheeky bastard".
"So did I". I replied.
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I just realised that today it is 4 years since I last spoke to my wife .
Oh , it's not that we have fallen out , I am just too polite to interrupt !
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A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.... 'I'd like to buy a horth' he says.
What sort of horse?', said the owner.
'A female horth,' the owner shows him a mare.
'Nithe horth,' says the dwarf, 'can I thee her eyth?" The owner picks him up shows the eyes.
'Nith eyth', says the dwarf, 'can I thee her teeth?' The owner picks him up shows the teeth.
'Nith teeth,' he says 'now can I see her twot?'
The owner picks him up and shoves his head deep inside the horses vagina, pulls him out. The dwarf shakes his head and says
'Perhaps I should weefwaze that... 'Can I see her wun awound?.
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I walked in last night to find a paramedic crouching over my wife.
"Get your lips off my wife," I snapped pulling him off her.
"But sir, I'm not kissing her!" He pleaded "She's stopped breathing."
"Do I need to repeat myself?" I replied..
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A mother in law said too her sons wife " I don't mean to be rude but the baby doesn't look like my son "
The wife then lifted up her skirt and said " I don't mean to be rude either but it's a Fanny not a photocopier"
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I was so drunk last night when I got to the bottom
of the stairs I took off my shoes, coat, top, trousers and underwear.
I crept upstairs very quietly.........It was only when I got to the
top of the stairs I realized I was on a ****ing bus!!!
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Paddy went for an interview for a Blacksmith's Job.
The Blacksmith said, "Paddy, have you ever Shoed a Horse before"...??
Paddy said "No, but I once told a Donkey to **** off"...
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I went to the Doctors today complaining of strange voices coming from my Boxers Shorts.
The Doctor said, " Ignore them, they're Talking Bollocks"...
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We were that so poor when I was young.
At Xmas if you didn't wake up with an erection, you'd have nothing to play with..
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My wife brought home a tub of ice-cream and asked if I wanted some.
"How hard is it?" I asked.
She cheekily replied, "As hard as your dick when you're thinking about me naked!".
I said "Go on then, pour me a glass!!..
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Said to the wife this morning
"I'm cycling to work love"
I go 2 get my bike out of the shed and realise its pissin down!
I think **** it, get back into bed for extra twenty mins and decide to slip the mrs one from behind.
She moans and starts waking up.
So I say
"Its pissin down out there!"
She replies
"I know, And that stupid bastards cycling to work!"..
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Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates where St.Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph."
Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"
St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."
Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew,
he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"
"Not bad," replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."
"Never," said Ralph.
"Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It's no big deal."
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout,
"Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're ****ting in the bed!"
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"Give it to me!"*she yelled "I'm so ****ing wet! Give it to me now!"*She could scream all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella.
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A man and a wife were in bed one morning when the wife said "I had a strange dream last night. I dreamed I was at a penis auction.
Long penises were going for $100 and thick penises were going for $300". The husband asked "What would mine go for?"
The wife replied "They were giving ones like yours away for free".
The husband said "I also had a dream last night about an auction where they were selling juicy vaginas for $500 and tight vaginas for $1,000". "How about mine?" the wife asked and the husband replied
"That was where they were holding the auction".
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During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness. After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was, err, 'female juices'.
"But you're balder than I am" protested the customer.
"True" admitted the barber "but you've gotta admit I've got one hell of a moustache!"
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An old man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?" "Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?"
he asks again. "Listen you! I'm not that kind of woman! Got it!!"
So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again "Would you let me bite your breasts -just once- for $10,000?!"
She thinks about it for a while and says "Hmmm $10,000... okay just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there".
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them!
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?" "Nah" says the little old man... "too expensive!"
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Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife paused for a moment before replying "Probably the ****ing funeral director would be my guess".
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