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SUPER Investigative MODERATOR
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Melbourne Victoria Australia
Posts: 5,235
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Re: Just a few Jokes
 Just a few more Jokes
Quote:
Three toronto surgeons were playing golf together and discussing difficult surgeries they had performed over the years.
One of them said, "i'm the best surgeon in toronto. In my favourite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident;
i reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the queen of england."
the second surgeon said, "that's nothing.... A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident; i reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in track and field events in the olympics"
the third surgeon said, "you guys are amateurs...several years ago a man was high on cocaine and marijuana and he rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour... All i had left to work with was the man's blonde hair and the horse's ass...
I was able to put them together and now
he's running for president of the U.S.A!
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Quote:
A woman had been on the game for 4 years
she was worried about the size of her fanny on her wedding night
so she decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence.
After an hour in bed with her he said
"How far across the field were you before you realised it was caught?"
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Quote:
A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States .."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded, I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
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Quote:
A guy, on his wedding night is about to get it on with his newly wed for the first time in their hotel.
They start to undress and he says, "God, I never realized that your tits were this small."
The wife gets all upset and understandably throws him out.
While he is sitting in the hall another guy comes out down the hall. The first man said, "Hey, What happened?"
"Well, I saw my wife naked for the first time tonight and all I said was, 'Oh I never knew your arse was that big.' and she just threw me out just like that.
Just then a third guy also on his wedding night like the first two guys, comes storming out into the hall.
"Hey, did you put your foot in it as well?" ask the two men already outside.
"No," says the third guy, "but I bloody well could have."
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Quote:
A New South Wales bus company says it will withdraw an advertising campaign because of some female complaints.
It shows an attractive semi-naked woman on the back of buses holding a billboard which reads: "Ride me all day for $7.50".
The complaints came from local prostitutes claiming the advert was misleading as it depicted an unrealistic level of attractiveness and undercut their price by 25%
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Quote:
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"
The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles."
The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served.
Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking. "You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"
The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."
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Quote:
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many glances from her, he said "Its golf balls".
The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
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Quote:
The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.
They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, do they have golf courses, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.
The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another...
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.
He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a
quarter-inch thick.
'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.
'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'
'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'
'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite
impressively long.
'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'
'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his
member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely
exciting to the woman.
'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate
ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any good?'
'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'
'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache ... She kept
slapping my forehead and pulling my ears..'
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Quote:
Each generation probably thinks it's the funniest, and sure enough the people of the past can't get up and speak for themselves, so they'll just let their tombstones do the humoring, because there are Some fascinating things on old tombstones!
=============================
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the
car was on the way down. It was.
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In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up
and no place to go.
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On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in
East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.
Only the good die young.
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In a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, who lived an old maid
but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767
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In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery: Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread,
and the Lord sent them manna.
Clark Wallace wanted a wife,
and the Devil sent him Anna.
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In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon him for not rising.
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In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake,
stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
==============================
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid, we planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger, but slow on the draw.
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A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer, and that is Strange.
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John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
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In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.
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Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls ,Vermont:
Here lies the body of our Anna,
done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
but the skin of the thing that made her go.
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On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod,
Pease shelled out and went to God.
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In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
as you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so shall you be,
remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent,
until I know which way you went.
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