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SUPER Investigative MODERATOR
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Melbourne Victoria Australia
Posts: 5,235
Thanks: 5,398
Thanked 1,998 Times in 1,281 Posts
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Just a few Jokes
Quote:
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again.
So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
"I kicked her in the face."
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Quote:
The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words.
She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable.
"Jane, do you know any multi-syllable words?" After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday.
"Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon-day. Does anyone know another word?"
Johnny from the back of the room yells "I do! I do!" Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humour she picks Mike instead.
"OK Mike, what is your word". "Saturday" says Mike. "Great. Sat-ur-day. That has three syllables..."
Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!"
Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says "OK Johnny what is your four syllable word?"
Johnny proudly says "Mast-ur-ba-tion". Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says "Wow, Johnny. Four syllables!
That's certainly is a mouthful". "No Ma'am, you're thinking of 'blowjob', and that's only two syllables".
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Quote:
A Yorkshireman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.
He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs,
"That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Wakefield lad .."
Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.. The bartender says,
"Say, you're the father of that typical Yorkshire baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you?
Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.... so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened?" "He was 25 pounds the day he was born."
The father takes a slow swig of his Pint, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
"Had him circumcised."
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Quote:
Kids say the darnest things don't they!
I was taking my friends daughter who's only 7 home today when a stretch limo overtook us with what looked like a hen party aboard.
All of a sudden a rubber dildo was thrown from the limo smacked straight into the windscreen and bounced over the car.
Quickly thinking I said wow did you see that fly hit the window?
The reply back was, I'm surprised it could fly with a **** that size
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Quote:
A stockboy is stacking fruit on a display, when a lady asks "Do you have any potatoes? "
The stockboy replies "Sorry ma'am, we are out of potatoes, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning"
The lady looks around some more. A few mins later she runs back to him asking where the potatoes are.
The stockboy confused about her mental state simply tells her "Sorry ma'am, we are out of potatoes,
but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning"
The lady looks around some more then goes back to the same stockboy and asks "Where the hell do you keep the potatoes,
I need some potatoes right now!"
The stockboy, getting frustrated with his inability to explain the situation,
tells the lady "Answers a couple of questions and I will get you your potatoes from the back."
The lady agrees and the man starts the questions.
"Spell cat for me, as in catastrophe " she says Ok, "C A T". "Very good!" the stockboy says, "now spell dog, as in dogmatic. "
The lady getting frustrated spells it correct. Now the employee finally asks "now spell, ****, as in potatoes. "
She replies "There is no **** in potatoes?"
To which the stockboy replies "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO ****ING TELL YOU THE WHOLE ****ING TIME!"
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Quote:
Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner.
When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station.
The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn't even a sofa.
So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife.
No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife taped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her.
"I couldn't do that" he whispered. "Your husband is my best friend!"
"Listen, sugar" she whispered back "there ain't nothing in the whole wide world could wake him up now".
"I can't believe that" Charlie said. "Certainly if I get on top of you and screw you, he'll wake up won't he?"
"Sugar, he certainly won't. If you don't believe me, pluck a hair out of his asshole and see if that wakes him".
Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep.
So he climbed over to the wife's side of the bed and ****ed her.
When he finished, he climbed back to his own side.
It wasn't long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again.
Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep.
This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman,
he first pulled out one of the husband's asshole hairs.
The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered:
"Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don't mind you ****ing my wife, but for Pete's sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!"
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Quote:
A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch.
The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mum" the boy asks "What's a pussy?"
The mother being startled by this thinks quickly and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says
"Son, that is a pussy".
The son then asks "What's a bitch?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a bitch".
The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television.
The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pussy?"
The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centrefold,
grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!"
The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a bitch?"
The dad replies "That's everything outside the circle!"
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Many thanks to the original UpLoader
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